Why She Says No…

Since the dawn of time, the differences between the sex drives of men and women have been a sticking point. Historically, women complain that men want sex all time. No matter the weather, the time of day, or the state of the economy, men are ready, willing, and able. Men, on the other hand, complain that women rarely want to have sex and that only when the moon is full and the stars are aligned do they stand a chance of getting any. The assumption tends to be that men are in the right in terms of their desires and women are, well, frigid.

But I believe that we have a bit of a misunderstanding here, as is often the case when it comes to sex and the sexes. The assumption is that frigidity is some sort of naturally occurring state in women for which men bear no responsibility but from which men must bear the burden. But I’m not so sure that’s the case. Sure, some women might simply have no sex drive. But, then some men don’t either.

In general, when women turn a cold shoulder, I don’t think frigidity is the problem. Instead, I think these are the top seven reasons why she says no.

1. Men are always ready to go. Women need at least 15 minutes.

Human physiology can be a real pain in the backside. When it comes to being physically ready to go for the gold, men can generally make it happen at the drop of a hat. Women’s bodies, on the other hand, need at least a few minutes for body and mind to meld. So, sometimes she says no simply because she can’t be ready on a dime and the pressure to be ready can be enough of a turn off to make her want to call the whole thing off.

Quick Fix: If you’re looking for a green light, why not suggest she hit the bedroom a little earlier. She’ll be thrilled that he’s going to take care of the evening chores and/or the kids’ bedtime and she can use the time to get a little head start by reading some erotica, taking a hot bath, or playing with a toy or two. She’ll be a whole new woman by the time you come to bed.

2. She doesn’t get hers.

Too often the party is over once he’s done. And if there’s nothing in it for her, she’s going to be a heck of a lot less inclined to play. It only makes sense really.

Quick Fix: It’s not that she has to get hers first. It’s that she has to get hers at some point. So forget taking a nap or having a sandwich after you’ve gotten yours. This is a party for two and making sure everyone gets their party favors, isn’t about doing anyone any favors. It’s about everyone invited feeling like an honored guest by getting their moment to roar.

3. He likes the main course. She likes the appetizers.

When you rush through the opening round, she might not have any interest in moving on to Act II. Why should she? It’s hard for her to feel like he gives a hoot about her when he’s only interested in the part that’s often the most fun for him.

Quick Fix: Don’t rush the first course. There’s plenty of time to get to the meat and potatoes, so why not enjoy the cheese and crackers. Savoring what comes first makes what comes later taste all the better. Not to mention that it makes her feel like her pleasure is as important as his since there’s no hurry.

4. He has no problem asking for what he wants. She doesn’t want to be “selfish.

Not to mention that he knows what he wants and she hasn’t had the experience to learn what she likes or can’t admit to having that experience because it makes her a slut. It’s always been acceptable for men to have sexual desires of many kinds and to make their desires clear. The same can’t be said for women. Unfortunately, even today, many women feel like asking for what they want is paramount to murdering someone. And knowing what they want in the first place is equally bad. So, if she knows that she can’t make her desires known, she might not want to bother with sex in the first place.

Quick Fix: This is an easy one. Let her know that not is it ok to share her desires, it’s also a real turn-on. Once she feels safe, you might just be surprised at what you hear let alone what she’s in the mood to do and how often she’s in the mood to do it.

5. He likes sex to relieve stress. She can’t have sex because she’s stressed.

If sex is a stress reliever, it’s something you likely want to have all the time. But if sex is a barrier to stress, well, then, there might never be a good time.

Quick Fix: There are two paths to try here. One, share one of life’s best kept secrets “ if you can get past the initial “I don’t feel like having sex- I’m stressed out feeling, sex can actually be an amazing stress reliever in the moment and stress reducer in the long run. Two, ask how you can help to relieve her stress so that she can find herself in the mood more often. Sometimes, letting her talk things out can be the best foreplay of all.

6. His body image doesn’t affect his desire. Her sex drive is driven by her body image.

It’s not that men aren’t affected by body image issues. It’s just that they are not plagued by them as often or in the same way that women are. If she doesn’t feel good about her body, she’s unlikely to feel good about wanting to have her body touched. She might not be frigid, she just might not be feeling very fit.

Quick Fix: Again, there are two interesting routes that can be attempted here. First, let her know how much you love her body and all of its curves. Two, offer to help her reach her fitness goals by helping her to make time for exercising or offering to help cook healthy meals. But be sure she knows you love her and want her either way. You just want her to feel great so you can enjoy each other fully from intellectually to sexually.

7. For him sex is physical. For her it’s equally emotional.

For many men, the act of sex is about being turned on and then giving in to that urge. The same can be true for women, although often sex has a very important emotional component. So, if there is no emotional draw, a woman might have no interest in doing the need.

Quick Fix: Well, there may not be one if there is nothing emotional between the two of you. But if there is “ or should be (ie, you’re in a relationship) “ then be sure to nurture that part of your relationship and make it a part of your sex life. Sex doesn’t have to always mean roses, candlelight, and the whispering of sweet nothings. But there’s nothing wrong with some old fashioned romance one in a while. And just knowing that it’s part of the formula some time, can be enough to make her want sex all of the time. Too often men assume that women know how much they love them, but it never hurts to make that absolutely clear.

Some women aren’t interested in sex. Maybe not ever. Maybe just not now. Maybe just not with you. But women are not, as a rule, frigid. In fact, I believe that, as a rule, women are generally not frigid. There are, however, plenty of reasons for women to say no. So, the one thing men can do is minimize those reasons. You’ll be amazed at how often you hear yes, yes, yes, when her brain feels less inclined to say no¦


Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations is the premiere sex-positive, women-principled adult toy retailer in the US. An iconic brand and one of the world's first sex toy shops to focus specifically on women's pleasure and sexual education, Good Vibrations was founded by Joani Blank in 1977 to provide women with a safe, welcoming and non-judgmental place to shop for erotic toys. Good Vibrations has always included all people across the gender spectrum, and is a place where customers can come for education, high quality products, and information promoting sexual health, pleasure and empowerment. Customers can shop Good Vibrations' expertly curated product selection across any of its nine retail locations or on the GoodVibes.com website, where they can also find a wealth of information pertaining to sexual pleasure, exploration and education.

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