Why An Open Marriage Isn’t For Me
I have a good friend who is in an open marriage. Here is their arrangement: They go out on dates with other people, but they don’t come home and share details. They can ask each other if their dates were fun, they can say “yes” or “no,” but they can’t say much more than that. Also, they don’t bring dates home. Not to stay, anyhow. A date can drop by and say hello to the other spouse and a date can pick up and drop off someone, but they can’t stay a minute longer than it takes to say their hellos and goodbyes.They also never say whether or not they had sex during their dates. They both know that there more than likely was some sex taking place, but they just don’t bring it up.
While that may work for some folks, I don’t think it would ever work for me because it would drive me nuts. I’d constantly wonder if my significant other liked someone else more than they like me. I’m insecure like that, so that also cuts out threesomes (for me) because for Pete’s sake, if there’s a penis in the room, it’s mine and I’m not sharing! 🙂
In all honesty, you have to consider feelings when you discuss topics like opening your marriage up. The very last thing you want is to make your partner uncomfortable in the least little way. If you want an open marriage and he or she feels just the slightest bit uneasy, don’t push the issue. Read about it first. Talk to other people who are currently involved in an opened relationship. Do your research.
Relationships like these can definitely work and be really satisfying for those involved. However, if one partner has a problem with it, don’t let them cave and give you your way. If they’re uneasy, just let it rest because that uneasy feeling is not going to go away once you go on a few separate dates. It could quite possibly escalate into jealousy, anger, fear, hatred, hostility, and worse. Then, there goes your relationship with the one you love and all you’re left with are your other dates. Sure, you can pick up the pieces if a break up occurs, but you’ll have to live with the knowledge that your significant other wasn’t comfortable with it in the first place. So, don’t be pushy. Be patient and let them know that you love them and will support their decision when they need you to.
On the plus side of this, if they’re uneasy, you can help them through it sometimes. You can present your side of the argument without being pushy and it’s quite possible that they might learn to love the idea of having other “dates.”
Advantages of open relationships are quite clear, though. You can see other people, come home to the one you love, and not think twice about it. No sneaking, no secrets, and it’s never counted as infidelity. At least I wouldn’t think so. I can definitely see the appeal. I can just imagine myself coming home from the grocery store and asking my husband if he’s free that night to watch the kids so I can go out with whats-his-face. Yeah, conversation wouldn’t go well, and I would be uncomfortable with the entire date with the new guy. Very uncomfortable. However, for some people, it could be a really great way to explore their relationship and start new ones.
While it may not be for me, though, I’ll never knock anybody who is in one of these open relationships because, well…different strokes for different folks. Maybe one day it may become an option for me, but until then, I’m going to listen to my friend tell me all her tales and smile about them knowing that she’s only telling me because she can’t tell her husband (and this girl loves to talk!). She and I never judge each other. She has an open relationship, and I test and review sex toys while the kids are at school. No judgements, only support.
I have to admit that there was actually one time that I might have actually considered opening up my marriage. Not because I was better at controlling jealousy back then or because I was a sexual deviant, but because I was about nine months pregnant and my husband worked all the time. The problem was that as a side effect of my pregnancy (and yes, this is normal-my doctor said so) my labia were swollen all the time and the only thing to relieve it was sex or masturbation (I found this out on my own). I had a terrible case of chronic horny-pregnant-housewife-disease. With the hubs gone at work all day, two or three miles into the woods or up a tree (he was a logger back then), that left me completely vulnerable, miserable, swollen, and down right mean sometimes. I have to admit that the mail man was looking better and better every single day. My husband usually rolled into the driveway around six o’clock in the evenings, sometimes later, and by the time he got to the front door, I was ready to rip his pants off. If we would have opened up our marriage back then, I could have gotten the, um, relief that I needed while he was at work. So, you see, in some cases, there can even be a medical reason to open up your marriage!
All jokes aside, if you want to open your relationship, have a nice chat with your partner. Be dorks about it even. Get out a pen and paper and list the pros and cons. You can even make charts with little stickers if it helps you out. It sounds silly, but seeing facts and feelings laid out on paper will make you think harder about what you may or may not be doing with your relationship. Don’t get angry if you want to do it and your partner doesn’t feel the same way. That will only isolate them from you. Talk. Hold their hand. Order pizza and rent a movie. You can make a date night out of the chat. If things progress and you both decide to give it a thumbs up, go ahead and draw out some rules.
For me, I’ll stick to my one guy, one gal rule. Remember, not everyone is alike and not everyone is comfortable with the same things you are. Take things one step at a time, and approach your open relationship slowly, considerately, and with caution and caring.
Happy Open Relationship Fucking!…or not 🙂