What If Barbie Were A Single Mom?

I was writing this piece called Terrorism of Sleep when my mind ended up in a Barbie daydream that never ended. In Terrorism of Sleep, I was explaining how my youngest came home to us at age 13 months. Although he bonded with us right away and fell in love, the life he had led before came raging out during the wee hours. He had horrible night terrors and fears of losing me. Oh it breaks your heart. Then there my other son–once he’s awake he won’t go back to sleep so between the two¦well, let me just point out that sleep deprivation is the number one form of torture used around the world.

I am laying there at 3 AM with my youngest  asleep on my arm–in my armpit. With most children I would be able to move my arm from under him now that his breathing is evened out into surely a deep sleep. But no, he wakes with the slightest tug or movement. Not just wakes but wakes up screaming and scared. So I can’t move. I go into the terrorism of sleep.

One night in my delusions, I start thinking that I wish I were a Barbie Doll– so that I could just pop my arm off and leave it there until his nap was done. NO actually, not a real Barbie but a generic 99 cent store “11 1/2 inch Fashion doll” –because with Real Barbies you can’t take off their arms or legs and reattach them. You can’t. They simply won’t go back in. I wanted to be a 99 cent doll so that I could just pop my arm off and leave it there.

Think of that.  He would be happy. I could sleep without fear.

This made me think–you know what if Barbie wasn’t just a teenage model who also babysits and takes other offers\’everything from being a Presidential Candidate to a flight  attendant\’but what if Barbie was a teenage mom?

If she became a mom the old fashioned way, then clearly it was before Ken’s “experimental phase became his permanent abode if you know what I mean. Or maybe him and Steven–Steven has been Ken’s “best friend ahem, since 1988–maybe they had a three-way and Barbie wasn’t careful. I mean, it just takes once. Accidents happen. Or was it GI Joe even though old GI JOE is 2/3rds her size you know all his joints can rotate 360 degrees so he can get into all those tantra positions. Yet he always worried Barbie with all that Military talk so it probably was Ken.

Is he going to be there for her? Is he mature enough to let Steven know that he was the poster boy for ” Bi Now and Gay Later?”  Or I wonder if he feels used. Just a sperm donor.

Then I got it–duh, I became a mom through adoption and with narrow hips like those¦ we know that Barbie had to adopt too. She can bend her legs to fit in the stirrups but she can’t spread them.

Let’s face it, unless in the future there is a new cesarean section invented for delivery through the LEG HOLE Barbie adopted. Possibly leg hole cesarean would be of interest to anyone who wanted to carry a child but not interested in a vaginal birth-, “Could I have a leg hole delivery please? Thank you. Drugs and a pillow too, please.

Back to Barbie, she’d tell the obstetrician, “Just pop that puppy off, pull out the baby and put it back on.

“What? I know, I know with “real” Barbie’s you can’t do that.” She’d say.  “Listen, I don’t have a vaginal canal, just use some pink duct tape and tape my leg back on like every other Grandmother around the world. I’ll wobble. ¦My decorative stand will still work.

Back to those hips. You know, trying to hold a baby with no hips is definitely an issue. It’s a fact that women hold babies on their hips and men hold babies with their biceps. So what would Barbie do? That baby would just slide right down.

One place she wouldn’t be lacking is the nursing\’um, breast-feeding department. I mean\’she would have to have a nipple transplant from one of those hunkie gay guy dolls they sell on Castro Street.

But then Barbie would have the equipment to nurse her child she would just have to be sure that it was one of those days that her arms are stuck bent and not stuck straight so that she can hold the baby.

When Barbie was a veterinarian she met that lesbian midwife who told her all about nursing adopted children. I nursed our oldest–anyone interested in nursing adopted children let me know. I’ll tell you everything.

Biological baby or otherwise nursing isn’t always easy until you know what you are doing. It can be really difficult for some women. And I’m not sure if Mattel has invented a boppi pillow yet. The one that holds the baby during nursing.

But I know that Summer Fun Skipper comes with a splash n play inner tube so maybe Barbie could borrow that.

What would single mom Barbie name her child? I think that she would very much rebel against any Steffie, Niki, Kira, Chelsea, Belancey, Shawnee, Kenzie Blaine Bopsie Belinda Becky Kelly and screw Kurt, Allan or Steven. I just know she would pick something like Tiger. She had a horse and llama but never a tiger. And that could be for a boy or a girl. Butch or a femme. Tiger Francie. Barbie never got over Francie disappearing in 1971 after doing Peyote in Mexico. She got that one postcard years later from Nevada years but¦

You might know that Midge was pregnant, yes in 2002. She has a husband Allan and a three year old Ryan. (Allan was Ken’s very first “best friend”. That was back in Mailbu when times were simpler)

Pregnant Midge, Allan and Ryan live in a box with a cellophane window marked HAPPY FAMILY waiting for a little boy or girl to take them home to a pink plastic Dreamhouse. Well the Baptist church of shopping, that is Wal-Mart, didn’t like her flaunting her teenage pregnancy all over town so after several complaints they pulled her from the shelf. They were supposed to be ASHAMED FAMILY or JUST GETTING BY FAMILY.

Now you can only find Midge in haunts like Ebay or yahoo auctions, blogging on Hip Mama. I think that sooner or later Midge would turn Barbie onto Hip Mama.

Then I started thinking. Would Barbie have enough doctor connections through her years of volunteering to get good health care or would she have to go to the free clinic?  And when she got there would she be nice to 99 cent Doll whom she finds pregnant in the waiting room? Would she say , “you know the nice thing about you is that your arms and legs pop back on.”

99 cent doll might think that’s a condescending olive branch, she might retort “you know my hair ain’t rooted, Bitch”

But no, I think that they will be nice to each other. They will remember that time they met under the Christmas tree years ago. They’ll sigh with nostalgia and yearning thinking about their stiff yet romantic humping under a little high femme’s bed. Hours of watching each other being undressed and then dressed and then undressed again at the hands of a sugared up 10 year old who stole their make up for himself. Their doll breasts being lit only by the twinkle of bubble lights.

With Ken off in his Magic Earring Glory– and Barbie already taxed having to care for Skipper–that little flat chested, flat footed tramp who gets invited to all the parties. All the guys find her “so easy to talk to” and “Can we surf again tomorrow SKIPPER?” Then Barbie caught her in the backseat of the Hummer with Bratz. How times change.

Barbie thinks no one ever notices what Skipper’s doing in the dark corner of the party. Does she just like bangs or do they conveniently hide blood-shot eyes? Anyway–Taking care of her and Staci and all those fluffy pooches that rugrat brings to the mix. Barbie really has financial worries for her and Tiger Francie.

99 cent doll is going back to school for her masters and is living off loans –doing school work while the baby sleeps. They start meeting in the park for play dates. Barbie’s really happy just playing with little Tiger all day but how will she pay the bills? All of those royalties from Barbie and The Rockers in 1987 are drying up fast. Maybe she should try to get on the Tyra Banks show,. She decides to read Arial Gore’s book again –it’s in the bathroom.

I want to close with some comments you might over hear if you are hanging out in the park with Barbie and Tiger.

This one was while seemingly nursing peacefully under a tree–

“Please don’t pull out my earring– I will have a hole in my head. Do you want mommy to have a hole in her head. Do you want mommy to rock you or do you want me to have to go to the shop and sit there while some freak with nothing better to do fixes mommy hole in her head?? Do you?? Well let go of my Birthday Sparkle Earring then!

“You are making my voice box hurt.

“Don’t pull my string again. I am sitting here trying to figure out if WIC covers plastic cupcakes and you can’t just go play? Stop¦stop¦.sto\’don’t pull Mommy’s string again.

“Mommy can’t carry you, Mommy has no hips.

“Just shut up and get in Mommy’s Jeep and buckle up. What?! I don’t care if there’s not a carseat use a shoestring!

And finally—

“Bunny I love you but hear my words when I say\’Even if my painted-on eyes don’t close\’I have got to get some sleep.


Footnote: Just to let know my son’s terrors and night problems slowly faded as he learned he could trust us to meet his needs 24 hours a day. Now it’s a distant memory.


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