Vibrators & Airports Don’t Mix

After years of being “the sex girl, a certified sex educator, and now a recent MA in Human Sexuality, I felt almost betrayed that it hadn’t happened to me before today.

Frankly, it’s embarrassing that I wanted it so badly. Some people walk away from the experience scarred for life. But I’ve always been the kind of girl who welcomed experiences that other girls found terrifying.

I mean, I was the girl who tried to force myself to have a period (from the age of 8) by bearing down as hard as I could hoping I could push it out. And when it did come I was always hopeful that the conversation in the one sex ed class would veer toward which of us were “real women already. And I was the girl who welcomed the appearance of boobies while other girls learned to slump their shoulders to avoid attention or were deep in denial that maturity was taking its course. I had, in fact, insisted at the age of 2 that I needed a bra. This story is a classic whenever my mom starts talking about my childhood. I insisted upon being a real grown-up like my mom and grandma (the women who raised me), and it was clear that they had something I didn’t: bras. There’s also a fantastic story about how I insisted that I needed hair on my prepubescent vulva because I’d seen my mom and grandmas’ hair. The situation was remedied with the hair from a hair brush and a bit of scotch tape.

So, anyway, back to the matter at hand. It finally happened. Just a few minutes ago, actually, in the Beijing International Airport. My vibrator “ a discreet dark pink LeLo model with a built-in USB charger “ showed up as “suspicious during the luggage scan. Well, actually, the case set off the suspicion. I keep my vibe in a glasses case. You know, I don’t want to get it scuffed or crushed. I need it to be safe, sound and ready for action. I speak about 5 words of Mandarin (“thank you, “ice water, and “hello), and I had another glass case that actually housed my backup pair of glasses. After looking through my panties and my frumpy, humidity-resistant wardrobe he picked up the glasses case, pointed to it and then showed me the number two with his hand. Ah, the second case.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn’t a little bit excited. I’d been waiting for this very situation for so, so long and it had, perplexingly, never presented itself. I began to think it may never happen, that people who told these stories were lying. So, I give him the universal signal for “one second while I look for it, and there it was near the bottom. I handed it to him, he opened it, and the first flash of embarrassment hit when the intense lighting hit the smooth pink surface: some leftover (ah hem) juices. He popped the top off and exposed the USB port. Oh my god. What if they think I’m a spy and that this is a secret thumb drive with literally thousands of sensitive documents. Then the panic hit. Of all the places in the world where I may want to be found with secret government documents, China would be in my bottom 10 list.  So, I start to gesticulate down to my pussy and make buzzing sounds. These don’t seem to resonate with the security officer who just keeps rubbing his fingers all over where my labia and clitoris had been just two days before.

Then another officer comes over. She’s the English-speaking one, which in this situation means that she speaks about 10 words of English as opposed to Guy #1’s zero. I try to tell her what it is. At this point I’m laughing. I tell him to press the button down. I take it from him, put it against her arm. They utter some words in Mandarin and then turn it off, return it to the case, close it and say “ok. No smiles, no smirks, no knowing glances, just matter-of-fact officiousness.

And that’s my vibrator airport security story. Look for it the next time we have lunch together.

Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations is the premiere sex-positive, women-principled adult toy retailer in the US. An iconic brand and one of the world's first sex toy shops to focus specifically on women's pleasure and sexual education, Good Vibrations was founded by Joani Blank in 1977 to provide women with a safe, welcoming and non-judgmental place to shop for erotic toys. Good Vibrations has always included all people across the gender spectrum, and is a place where customers can come for education, high quality products, and information promoting sexual health, pleasure and empowerment. Customers can shop Good Vibrations' expertly curated product selection across any of its nine retail locations or on the website, where they can also find a wealth of information pertaining to sexual pleasure, exploration and education.

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