Valentines Day No-Nos…
Yeah, Valentines Day is pretty confusing for most of us. You may know your sweetie inside and out (which is always more fun than not), but that doesn’t mean that you have any darn clue what to get them for Valentines Day. I questioned-more like badgered-all of my friends about Valentines Gifts. So, here’s a list of things NOT to get, just to help you out and steer you away from things that you shouldn’t veer into for the most erotic, romantic holiday in the year.
Bad gift #1) A box of candies without the candy. Do not eat the candy and replace the pieces with rocks. Yes, someone actually did this. This will get you dumped. Fast. Not only will it get you dumped, but you won’t get break-up sex. Not even a break-up hand job. You won’t get close enough to sniff it!
Bad gift #2) Your ear. I know he/she may have said that you don’t listen, but there’s no need to go all Van Gogh on somebody. Body parts should remain attached at all times, including ears. Although, if you’re apart by means of a long distance relationship, a plaster mold of your genitals is a pretty practical gift-by my opinion, anyhow.
Bad gift #3) VD-Nothin’ says lovin’ like a new disease to get all itchy-twitchy about. If you DO opt for VD this Valentines Day, at least supply the ointment to get rid of it, and possibly directions to the nearest clinic. Not possibly. I change my mind. Definitely!
Bad gift #4) A box of condoms wrapped in a tee shirt, smelling of alcohol and cigar smoke, that says “Strippers Do It Best.” Yeah, sorry. You won’t even get lucky with this one! I have nothing against strippers, but comparing your lady or lad to one is never a good idea. Never. Unless he/she aspires to be a stripper one day. Then, all you have to do is make sure that the tee shirt doesn’t smell like alcohol and cigar smoke. Oh, and get a proper box to wrap it up in. And add jewelry.
Bad gift #5) Cemetery plots. While these are pretty functional, there are many reasons not to buy these as a V-Day gift. Especially if the plots already have inhabitants. Save this one for an out-of-the-blue just-because type gift.
I could go on and on about what not to do for this holiday, but I won’t because half of you aren’t listening anyway. Your brain is stuck on VD, thanks to me. Let’s just lighten the mood, shall we?
There are a lot of really neat things you can do to celebrate with your sweetheart. Many, many things! Get creative.
If you’re strapped for cash, go for something simple. Let’s say your honey is an artist. Buy them a sketchpad and tie it up with a red sash. When they untie it, grab it and tie it around their eyes and lead them blindfolded to the bedroom where you’ve set the mood, complete with scented candles, strategic lighting, satin sheets, all your favorite toys and lubes, and whatever else you two are into. Don’t stop there, though. Start with an erotic massage. Work your way into the sex slowly. Make sure it’s something they won’t forget.
No matter what you do, though, buy them something. Don’t forget and try to cover up your thoughtlessness at the last minute. That never works, and they always figure it out. If all else fails, take them to dinner at the eatery of their choice. While you’re waiting on your date or waiting for them to get ready, dart to a jewelry store and opt for a necklace and flowers-whatever their favorite flowers are. Oh, and don’t forget to be romantic. Open doors. Pull out chairs. Ladies, bat those eyelashes and be sweet. Thank them for the lovely evening. Give them a night they’ll never forget as long as they try to make the night a good one.