Things To Do In Denver When You’re A Dyke

Prologue: Semantics

Actually, I don’t particularly like the word “dyke. Personally, I have always considered myself a lesbian. What’s the difference, you may ask? Largely, I think it comes down to wardrobe and makeup. You dress for whom you wish to attract. I like feminine women who wear makeup and have a sense of fashion\’it doesn’t have to be designer, just well put together. So I try to do the same with my own particular brand of style, which is rock-star-meets-tomboy in origin. Regardless of what you call yourself–dyke, box fairy, bi-sexual, bi-curious, carpet muncher, twat bandit–it’s all about whatever gets you off.

Part 1: Daytime Pleasures

In Denver, the sun shines more than 300 days a year. That means we all spend a lot of time outside and age rapidly from sun damage\’whether lounging in the park reading a book or bouncing around downtown window-shopping and sipping lattes. The outdoorsy climate of Denver also allows ample opportunity for public displays of affection with my lover, which I embrace at every turn\’whether it’s holding hands, giving her a sweet kiss on the lips, or slipping my hand inside her pants for a quickie-on-the-sly beneath a blanket in Denver’s overtly gay Cheesman Park.

As we all know, Denver isn’t San Francisco. And heads still occasionally turn here when two women hold hands on a city sidewalk. But the city largely accepts gays. In fact, I haven’t been called a “fucking dyke in public for over seven months, now. (Staying indoors during the recent colder months may have something to do with that). Oddly, I’m usually called names when I’m by myself–after receiving a particularly short haircut and when there’s some big drunk fest going on in town that brings our sheltered “bridge and tunnel crowd out of their cookie-cutter suburbs. My favorite slam was on St. Patrick’s day, when a drunk frat boy called a girlfriend and me “fucking faggots. How refreshing. He must have a bigger aversion to the word “dyke than I do.

Part 2: Nocturnal Emissions

In Denver the biggest problem with picking up women traces back to our small community. Although we have one of the nation’s largest gay scenes, it’s still not quite big enough. In other words, we’ve all basically slept with one another. So it makes it hard to be a blank slate with a new lover. She’s probably heard all about who you’ve slept with, which hearts you’ve broken, and how kinky you are in bed (and that just sucks all the surprise out of introducing her to your favorite strap-on dildo on the first date).

Unfortunately we only have a few full-time lesbian bars. That means we have to crash the boy club once a month at First Friday or the straight bars with Hip Chicks Out. It’s one of my favorite past-times, when I’m single, to drift through such a lesbian party\’where over 1,000 lesbians, dykes and bi-curious women have been known show up\’and brush past all of those feminine bodies. It’s almost impossible not to fall into bed (or a restroom stall) and have panting hot sex with a strange woman, if that sort of thing appeals to you–which I’m sure it doesn’t. Why would it?

Part 3: Domestic Life

In Denver (as in most of America), when lesbians enter into committed relationships, many disappear from lesbian society, gain weight and move to the suburbs. Although, to be fair, some become hip, urban moms who manage to look smoking hot even after settling down into the family vibe\’due to the active Colorado lifestyle and the fact that they still have sex with their partner. There’s just one caveat to lesbian parenting here–don’t try sending your kids to Catholic school.

When I’m in a committed relationship, I’d rather stay inside and pursue my favorite indoor activities\’making love and fucking–until such time as my mate and I encounter lesbian bed death. After that happens, we go to the movies or Pride Fest, just like every other bored, married couple.

Epilogue: “My Chocolate Must Never Be Touched By Human Hands!

Willy Wonka and I agree–my chocolate must never be touched by human hands (other than my own)–until you have been tested. So take advantage of Denver’s free HIV testing at Colorado AIDS Project. Don’t think about it, just do it before you “do it” with your new lover.


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