The RX For Sex
I often remind people that our sexuality is a fluid thing. It is not the same when you’re 40 as when you’re 20. It’s not the same from one lover to the next. It’s not the same from one day to the next. To the extent that your sexuality lives deep in you, at the intersection of heart, brain and soul, it is impacted by everything that you encounter in your daily life. Whether you want it to be or not.
We all know this on some level. That’s why we say things like, “I’m not in the mood.” But how often do you look further into that statement? Do you even ask yourself if it’s true that you aren’t in the mood? Maybe sex is actually what you want and need, but that desire is blocked by things like anger, fear, confusion or disappointment. Or maybe you’re exhausted and not in the mood – that’s possible too. But it’s important to know the difference.
Not in the mood is fine. Blocked from your sexual energy because of external circumstances is, at the very least, cause to pause. And if it’s impacting your relationship, it’s cause to communicate.
I’ll use myself as an example – shocking, I know. I like sex – also shocking, I know. I like how it feels physically. But I like how it feels intimately, as an emotional intercourse with my partner. That’s the stuff that really gets me going, and that, to me, is where the true power of my sexuality lies.
I’ve been in a funky mood for the last 24 hours. It was based on a miscommunication that I didn’t address at the time. No one did anything wrong, we were both just being humans. When he rolled over to embrace me last night, I sort of rolled away. (We’ve all done that, right.) I told myself that I wasn’t in the mood for sex. (I didn’t tell him anything. Classic passive-aggressive. Ugh, you’d think I, of all people, would be better than that!) Retrospectively, it’s not that I wasn’t in the mood for sex. It’s that I felt disconnected. The answer would have been to connect.
I woke this morning feeling even less connected than last night. This seems obvious, right. He tried to connect, I pushed him away, the only possible result is LESS CONNECTED. And this is what started me wondering about what kinds of sex we need, the when and why. And why it really does matter that you know how different kinds of sex make you feel, why, and what to do about it.
Feeling Disconnected? SEX RX: Gentle and Intimate
I have said to my partner, at various times, “I want sweet sex tonight.” While sweet sex is always sweet, the times when that’s what I am really craving are times when I feel disconnected. When I want to have eye contact, go slow, really feel all of him, have him really feel all of me. I want to know that he is aware of all my ingrown hairs, body odor, the insecurity that is so plainly visible if you can read my eye-language, and wants me anyway. It’s the comfort food of sex. It’s that moment you settle into your childhood home after being away, and know everything is okay. I suspect that this is often what the doctor would order when I’m feeling like I’m “not in the mood,” and really what I’m feeling is insecure, disconnected, unwanted, under-appreciated and like no one cares. (Even when I know none of that is true. I’m only human, after all, sometimes my emotions suffocate my brain.) It is the kind of hugging in which you really do crawl inside each other to comfort each other from the inside out. And it heals me.
Feel Like You Are Losing Control? SEX RX: Submit and Let Go
For better or worse, I am one of those people who feels like if I don’t take care of everything, right now, the right way, the world will fall apart. It’s possible that I have trust issues. (Possible being an understatement akin to the one a few paragraphs up, “I like sex.”) I tend to get uptight and wound up and start pacing. This accomplishes nothing. Except to start me spinning in a way that can be destructive when I spin in your general direction. What I need then is to be “forced” to let go. To surrender control. To be pinned down and taken. I need to let go of everything and not be in charge, do what I’m told, and literally fuck the spin out of me. It works like a charm. Especially the part where, when it’s over, the world has not, in fact, fallen apart. It’s a great reminder that not only do I not have to control everything, but that I am not in it alone. My partner is perfectly capable of taking the reigns, getting shit done, taking care of me and reminding me what matters.
Feel Like No One’s Paying Attention To You? SEX RX: Get All Domme On It
I have often joked that I am all sub, and in most ways I am. But there is a misconception that the submissive amongst us aren’t in control. We are. In a healthy BDSM relationship, the subs are in ultimate control, because they can safeword and stop everything. They call the shots. But even outside of BDSM play, we know that we can and will get our needs met, whatever those are. I know that on the days when I feel like no one is following through, doing what they said they would, and I am totally disappointed with things, I can get what I want sexually. I can just look at him and say, “lay back, I’m running this show.” There are nights when, as much as I love him in a very deep way, my man is just a sex toy for me. Those are the times when I work out all my frustrations on him, do what I want, how I want it, when I want it. Mind you, we’re deeply in love and totally committed to each other, we know each other’s boundaries and all that. But for me, to be able to get his body to respond, and manipulate his sexual experiences however I want is a heady and powerful feeling. And on days when nothing else is working, having that can really help. And then, of course, there’s the fucking. Yum.
Bored With Everything? SEX RX: Try Something New!
I have a startup, kids, a house that grows dust bunnies as if it were a factory filled with indentured & industrious hair-fairies. The daily grind is grinding. And boring. I begin to see myself as not so much a MILF, but a candidate for mom-jeans and sweatshirts that have smiling cats pawing each other playfully with pom-poms and bells. This is not good. This is when it’s time to watch some porn together, go to a sex-toy store and find a new toy, do a little role play. ANYTHING, to shake it up. This is a dangerous back hole, it is the one filled with habit and resentment, fermented with exhaustion. And at the first site of it, I get creative. Surprisingly, “I’m bored, let’s try something new, what are your fantasies?” is rarely met with objection.
Feeling Emboldened, Like You Can Do Anything? SEX RX: Discover Your Body!
There are times when things are going so well that I literally don’t know what to do with all the energy. I’m writing well, making good business connections, giving great talks, I feel like I can save the fucking world one fantastic fuck at a time. Yay, all the people are going to have great sex, let’s celebrate with great sex! I’m finally ready to try….. Whatever. This is a great energy with which to try things that might have simultaneously intrigued and scared you. This is how I first really got to know anal sex. This is probably how I will eventually try fisting (okay, that one still scares me, but it’s on the list….) This empowered state is the best possible state to try anything that is on your “someday maybe” list. Clamps? Electricity? Floggers? The point is that when you are feeling this emboldened, you are more open to the possibilities, less likely to shut down at the first inkling of uncertainty. This is when we boldly go where we’ve never come before.
These are just the ones that I can think of off the top of my head. And they’re mine, yours may be different. The point is that your sexuality is the canary in the coalmine of your soul. Paying attention to the signals that your sexuality is sending you could tell you a lot about what you need. I know myself well enough to know that when I’m rebuffing someone I love and desire, it means I need to put all my energy into staying open. Learn to read your sexuality like a road map. Journal it, even. Write down what you’re feeling sexually, and what’s going on to see if you can start making the connections about how external things in your life are making you feel.
But more than that, your sexuality is a powerful drug that can impact your health and happiness. Learn to use it. For me, when I’m feeling disconnected, I need to remember to ask for sweet sex, the kind that validates me, ingrown hairs and all. And that when I feel powerless, I can have powerful sex and get back some balance. Take two fucks and check in in the morning.
And that when I truly am not in the mood, that’s okay too. (Or if I am in the mood, but just to pleasure myself and not bother with anyone else, that’s good too. I have lots of battery-operated friends for that!)
I think of my sexuality as my little sidekick. The Robin to my Batman. The pussy to my Cat Girl? Whatever, it sees things I don’t, it can get me out of a jam, and damn it, it deserves an action figure and a TV show.