The Naughty Step: Exploring Domestic Discipline

The boy and I are trying a new experiment into the world of ageplay- daily discipline. It’s an interesting one to explore, considering I’ve been wanting to make our relationship more formalized, perhaps with a contract to really clarify an outline for how to interact.

He’s kind of temperamental, you see, quick to get frustrated and slow to take space when needed- and he struggles sometimes to give me space when I asked for it, so I blow up back at him. And the acting out was really putting a strain on our relationship, particularly as it pertained to our kinky lives. We’ve been fighting a lot, both incredibly stressed and just struggling to make the relationship work. The sex has suffered, of course, as well, and it can be hard when in a D/s relationship to figure out what to do when the greatest heat between you comes from arguing.

But, he’s into ageplay, and I figured maybe it was time to lay down some structure. An easy cause/effect type situation, where I would set him some rules, and if he didn’t follow those, he would get a punishment spanking. Even if he didn’t break any rules, he still gets a spanking- but he gets a warm up if he’s good. 😉 I mean, it wouldn’t be the first time watching “Supernanny” and “It’s the Dog or Me” has come in handy when dealing with adults!

What is the benefit of this kind of situation? It reminds me to be very clear about the things I expect him to do, and it gives him structure, which is something he really needs to be focused. So far it’s gone fairly well, though we’ve only just started on it. I want to add other disciplinary things as well- writing essays is one of my favorites- but still need to make sure discipline happens on my schedule, not his. Meaning, I have to be calm when I do it. So this structure involves me having some space as well, so we can both take a moment to breathe through it and clear our heads.

He likes spanking, you see, and I like spanking him- really, I probably like causing him pain more than he likes taking it, so there’s that aspect in all this as well. The domestic discipline means something more significant to me because the boy is doing it for me, because I desire the structure, because he trusts I know what’s best… and because it turns me on!

Of course, I always have to make sure I have always been firm about not wanting to strike out when angry, and being really worried it’ll get out of control, so I think I’ll just continue to avoid it for now. I enjoy letting my predatory beast side out… but only when I know I can shut it away again.  As someone who enjoys bloodletting, sadism and tears, I’ve asked myself if I’m a sadist or actually a psychopath- having the discipline to take a step back is as important for me as it is for the boy.

Ageplay, of course, brings up all my issues around motherhood generally, which is why I used to run away from it. I think that’s been one of my big fears in being a parent, down the line- what if my temper flies out of control? Children are pretty sensitive to the emotional atmosphere around them. But now, I’m looking at my fears, and myself, a little more closely, and realizing that as I’ve always said, babies and dogs and boys all respond to the same training- firm, clear rules, and consistency. And I can do that. I can provide that. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll make a difference.

When I first proposed this domestic discipline thing, I wasn’t sure how well it would work. And it’s still shaky- I don’t have much experience with these kinds of relationships, so while I’ve been reading a lot about them, I’m kind of flying blind. Still, I’m excited by the idea, and curious to find out more. Femdom is usually portrayed in these idealistic, sleek ways, and I just never felt like I belonged in those sorts of roles- man of the house fits me much better. And one of the communities that follow this concept of domestic discipline the closest, strangely enough, is the “taken in hand” community.

I never really thought I’d be researching the whole “taken in hand” thing (and mind, it is FULL.OF.GENDER. ESSENTIALISM- very much based on the idea that women are domestics and men are breadwinners and house managers). I’ve heard of it before and it rubbed me the wrong way, the whole idea that this is the Right and Natural Way of Things, with articles that make me want to throw things, like “women like men who are more dominant” and “when rape is a gift”. So it’s not terribly surprising that domestic discipline was a little off my radar, when it’s generally expressed in such a heterosexist way!

But then, I guess it’s not that far from the ordinary for me to find something incredibly sexist and heterosexual and then queer the fuck out of it. It’s been done before- I follow tentatively and in awe of Carol Queen’s footsteps around Daddy/girl play, for example. So as long as he’s the one wearing the apron and chained to the stove, I guess it’s ok with me! I’m perfectly happy to come home from a day at work to have a cocktail ready, dinner on the stove and my slippers offered by a kneeling boy. Sure beats the bickering, right?

It’s all a bit fresh and new, the domestic discipline thing. I have yet to write a contract up, but the spankings have been consistent. And it’s been rather refreshing to have him stand and confess his misdeeds for the day before his spanking, instead of the back and forth of before. It’ll take some fine-tuning, of course, and some way for us to discuss issues fairly- but for now, it’s kind of fun. And it certainly gets me wet.

I just hope my parents don’t start worrying if they see child rearing books in my purse!
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Kitty Stryker

Kitty Stryker is a geeky sex worker, Burner, rabid writer and feminist activist with one high-heeled boot in San Francisco, California and one in London, England. In London, Stryker worked with the TLC Trust, an online organization connecting people with disabilities with sex workers experienced with emotional or physical limitations. She is the founder of the award-winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, and was nominated by the Erotic Awards as Sex Worker of the Year for her charity and activism work. Now back in the States, Stryker has been presenting Safe/Ward, a workshop on combating entitlement culture within alternative sexual communities, along with being the PR rep for the Bay Area Sex Workers Outreach Project promoting sex worker rights. She has written for Huffington Post, Filament, and Tits and Sass, built a social media strategy for Cleis Press, and consults with sex workers about their online presence. In her copious free time, she enjoys switching things up with her two hot lovers. Read more from Stryker on her personal blog, Purrversatility.

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