The Gift of My Ass: Teaching My Husband About Anal Sex

Most of the on camera scenes I’ve done have involved anal penetration and I’ve had mostly good experiences. The only time I didn’t enjoy myself was when I selected a toy that was way too large in an attempt to show off. I’ve not repeated that mistake!

However, the role of anal sex in private has been less successful. My husband have extremely limited experience, which is probably a big factor. Before meeting me, he only had anal sex once for a few seconds. Also, it just never occurred to me until recently that I would have to offer sex education to a private partner who is eight years older than I am. So rather than giving him advice or explaining how to make anal sex pleasurable for me, I just took it off the menu. After all, I was getting plenty of it at work!

by timlewisnm

by timlewisnm

Pregnancy changed that. Most of the shoots I do involve BDSM and those companies, not being evil, don’t hire expectant mothers for potentially risky scenes. While it is unlikely that a spanking would harm my developing baby, being in a situation where I might pass out or being electrocuted is probably not such a good idea. Hence, my anal sex outlet has been nipped, as it were, in the bud.

This loss brought my attention back to the issue of anal sex with my husband. We haven’t had anal sex in about two years, since a very unpleasant wedding night with lots of pain, too little lube, and a little blood. As of this writing, we still haven’t. This is in no way my husband’s decision. He talks about it constantly, even though talking about something we’re not going to do usually turns me off to the point that I’ll go make a sandwich instead of have sex. He just keeps bringing it up. That man just loves butts!

I love my husband. I want to fulfill his ultimate fantasy–without doing something that causes me pain and harm, which then makes me feel degraded. I keep thinking, what would I do if he didn’t want to have oral sex? What if one day he said he just didn’t enjoy worshiping my breasts and didn’t ever want to do it again? It would be awful!

I sat down and thought about the big differences between the on camera anal sex that I enjoy and the off camera anal sex that was so often unsuccessful. A lot of it had to do with trust. We’ve had bad experiences, which makes it hard to literally turn my back and bend over. Usually he just gets over excited and forgets certain things, but rather than think of this as his being thoughtless (something that can’t be cured), I’ve begun thinking of it as inexperience.

My husband has only had three experiences with penetrating his own ass, once alone and twice with me with plugs. The joys of anal sex are just not something he’s interested in experiencing himself and I’m okay with that, even if I do think he’s missing out on something great! But I do think that not having a history of being penetrated affects his knowledge of how to penetrate others.

But it’s just not something he’s interested in experiencing (yet), so I used Christmas as an excuse to bring him up to speed. I put together a little anal sex gift pack for him to help us learn to enjoy my ass together. We’d discussed taking these sorts of steps before, but they always seemed to fizzle. I suppose half the gift was initiative and letting him know that this is something I genuinely do want to experience with him.

First, I chose some reading material for him. Since I learned everything I know by personal experience, this took a little research. There are TONS of books available on the topic of anal sex. I wanted to find one that would address our concerns perfectly. My first choice was Anal Pleasure and Health by Dr. Jack Morin, based purely on the title. The “Health” bit really stood out, but after looking at the tables of contents, I decided to go with Tristan Tamorino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

Tamorino’s book included topics like enemas, BDSM, toys, and even long-term plug wear in addition to the anatomy lessons and emotional hand-holding in Dr. Morin’s book. And, while Morin is a doctor, Tamorino is a woman, like me, and I bet she’s had a lot more anal sex with more people. There are a few things in Ultimate Guide that I disagree with, such as the use of water-based lubricants for anal sex (I strongly prefer silicone, which doesn’t dry up or get tacky) and shower attachments for enemas (they’re such a pain to clean and are potentially harmful), but I’m really glad I chose this book. She covers important basics, like trimming your nails, and even goes into more extreme things like urine enemas. This is definitely the right book for us!

Second, I picked out a toy. Before going for penetration, I want my husband to get to know my ass with his fingers and a few toys. I think it will help him focus if what he’s doing isn’t directly causing him pleasure and I can give him feedback without worrying about ruining his orgasm. Plus, my husband has often talked about wanting to train my ass with various plugs and the idea does have allure. I found the Sidekick Silicone Anal Plug, a good-looking little number in blue or purple that comes in two sizes. I went with the smaller size in blue for Christmas, saving the larger size for our anniversary in February, when I imagine we’ll be ready to move up. The Sidekick is soft and well-formed. It’s currently stashed in my office until my husband and I get an evening to ourselves to enjoy it.

There are a number of toys that I think look more interesting, but I decided to go with this toy because it is a beginner toy. I already have a collection of personal anal toys, including a jeweled plug and even a jade one from Coco de Mer, but they’ve proven more fun to look at than to use when with an inexperienced player. While with more experienced players I enjoy the coldness of temperature play and the formidability of a hard plug, I’d rather be safe than sorry. And keeping the more exotic toys in reserve gives me motivation to encourage my husband even more!

I also selected a lubricant. We already have some silicone lube, but it’s some off brand bought on sale and isn’t really the best. I want something thick without being gooey and slippery without being slimy. I chose Pjur Original Lubricant. I strongly prefer silicone lubricants for anal sex. Even though I’ll have to cover my silicone toys with a condom, silicone lubricants aren’t absorbed by the rectum like the water in water-based lubes. I got the larger size because not only can I still use the Pjur as normal lube, but I can use it to shine my latex!

I hope to update about how it’s all going sometime around Valentine’s Day. I figure my husband will have had time to peruse the book and we’ll have found some time to experiment, move up to a larger toy, and maybe even try actual penetration. Wish me (and my butt) luck!

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Good Vibrations is the premiere sex-positive, women-principled adult toy retailer in the US. An iconic brand and one of the world's first sex toy shops to focus specifically on women's pleasure and sexual education, Good Vibrations was founded by Joani Blank in 1977 to provide women with a safe, welcoming and non-judgmental place to shop for erotic toys. Good Vibrations has always included all people across the gender spectrum, and is a place where customers can come for education, high quality products, and information promoting sexual health, pleasure and empowerment. Customers can shop Good Vibrations' expertly curated product selection across any of its nine retail locations or on the GoodVibes.com website, where they can also find a wealth of information pertaining to sexual pleasure, exploration and education.

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