The Elusive and Mysterious Three-way

Dear Syd,

Not to pry, but I noticed that you mentioned a threesome in your blog recently. I was wondering if you could give me some advice?

I’ve participated in 4+ sex but never the delicate three.

What are your experiences with three, and do you have any warning or tips or anything?

Sincerely, D.

Dear D,

Three-ways ways are tricky yet fun.

One of my three-ways was with my wife, which was different than another, which was with two random people that I didn’t know too well, which was different than with the others that were with a combination of friends, strangers and partners. Got all that?

Let’s break it down, and I can share with you my experiences according to the different categories of three-ways:

#1) A three-way with a spouse and a new friend

This was probably the most awkward of the many, but it was the first. I think it’s always difficult when you have a very intense, pre-existing dynamic with one person and are caught “trying to introduce a new person” into things.

I had fun but felt like I might have pressured my partner a little. She felt a little like an outsider. (Note: She’s not as much as exhibitionist as I am, but few are, I suppose.)

This is probably the hardest of the three-ways, although one of the most gratifying in the moment. The primary knows how to “turn you out and the new experience is always a thrill. Communication is key, and it’s always a good idea to have some kind of code worked out with your partner. This is especially true if they find it hard to be verbally assertive. The code should consist of messages like: I’m feeling a little weird, can we slow down, stop, etc. Much like with SM.

There were no drugs or alcohol involved in this three-way, which made it a little more socially difficult, but I prefer sober sex. This is why I think I liked the sex in this one so much.

#2) The roommate’s friend and my boyfriend

This was a really intoxicated three-way\’rough hot, a little challenging as far as boundaries go, but what are close friends for? Thank god for lube and latex gloves. We all knew each other pretty well as people, and sexually. Communication was present, but not gregariously so. Trust was also present, and suffice to say… it was mighty hot. The most fluid of the three-ways, but my level of intoxication was a little too high for my own comfort. It was really playful and fun. It’s great when people are that sexually open. It flows so well.

#3) Two people I didn’t know so well (or, friends of friends)

Way, way intoxicated, stumbled home for the bar with these two. The flow was decent, and I knew a little about them. The safer sex thing was a snap because they are all about it and I knew it. I was disappointed in myself for being so shit-faced and regret that I wasn’t sober. I would like to redeem myself with these two -\’ however it was overall a good experience. Rating = too drunk.

#4) Park Phuk (or, boyfriend and his boy)

One of my partners and I are extremely sexually dynamic; it’s scary. An average of four out of five three-ways have been with her. We kinda function as a unit -\’ “team fuck. In this situation there were some pre-constructed power dynamic roles. The boy was given to me at the Dyke March and my partner and I owned him for the night. So ze’s role was our bottom, while my partner and I were switches. I wasn’t very intoxicated, and it went fairly well. Having pre-set roles can help establish a smooth situation, but don’t let them stifle your creativity. For that particular situation it worked well. However, I hate to be personally pigeonholed into a role; it makes me want to act out.

#5) Holiday Party (or, boyfriend and random person)

This one took place in a hot tub, also fairly intoxicated. Smoked and drank. I had fun but due to outside circumstances, the aftermath was not good. Apologies issued. The level of intoxication made safer sex and other communication difficult. It was hot, but left something to be desired.

In conclusion; my general word of advice -\’ Communication! Before, during and after. Alcohol can both hurt and help. Moderation is key, and knowing a person helps too. The more sex-positive and sexually-open people are with themselves, and others is what really makes it fun. If someone is uncomfortable with their body, and sex, it shows.

So, have fun, don’t be goal-oriented, and talk, talk, talk. I’d say that in my experience, group sex (four or more) is easier than three-ways. In a three-way, there’s a lot of room for someone to feel left out, or as I like to call it, “left holding the balls.

Three-ways take a lot of consideration and care throughout the whole process -\’ especially afterwards. They can really redefine the way one thinks about sex.

Best,

Syd

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