Spicing Up Your Sex Life

This article first appeared on tressugar.com.

I have no complaints about my sex life, but after a few years with my boyfriend, it would be great to spice things up. Problem is, I’m not very creative. Any suggestions (that aren’t cheesy or too cliché)?

This is always a tricky question to answer, since I don’t know what you’ve tried before, much less what you’ve enjoyed. So rather than suggesting specific activities, I’m going to offer some ways to come up with your own ideas.

One really great way to find new ideas for sex is by reading erotica. The written word leaves a lot more to the imagination than video porn, partly because it can describe how it feels rather than just showing how it looks. There are a lot of options these days. Some books focus on specific themes like quickies, exhibitionism & voyeurism, spanking or threesomes. Others are more general with a little bit of everything.

Try reading a few stories by yourself and see if anything strikes your fancy. Are there scenes or situations that you find yourself thinking about later? If you get turned on while reading (or later), what gets you over the top during solo play? Another way to use erotica is to highlight what you find intriguing. Ask your boyfriend to do the same in a different color and then compare. If there’s anything you’ve both highlighted, that’s a good place to start. Or you can read some of the stories to each other. Five Minute Erotica and More Five Minute Erotica are full of very short, but seriously exciting stories, so they’re great for reading out loud.

It’s also important to remember that you can play with fantasies without actually acting them out all the way. For example, if you or your boyfriend have exhibitionist fantasies, you could talk about them during sex and paint a mental picture of putting on a show without actually doing it. There’s often a tendency to assume that having a fantasy means that you want to go to the extreme, but that’s not always the case. Violet Blue talks about ways to enact enough of the fantasy to be fun, without necessarily going “all the way in The Ultimate Guide To Sexual Fantasy.

If you discover that you’re interested in a new way to have sex, you might want to check and see if there are any books on the topic, or even some DVDs. A little know-how can make it a lot more fun. And even if you think you know plenty about a particular sexual activity, there’s always something new to try.

I’m also a fan of 101 Nights of Great Sex, which is full of sealed instructions that you take turns opening and creating a sexy night for each other. You don’t have to do exactly what they suggest and you can even pick a second one if you don’t like the first one you got. Or if you don’t need to make it a surprise, try the SuperHotSex Deck or Cosmo’s Steamy Sex Games, both of which are decks of cards with lots of inspiring ideas.

With all of these options, there’s sure to be something that works for both of you. You may need to try a few before you discover the right one, but don’t get discouraged. It’s kind of like finding a new restaurant- you have to give a few a try before you find the perfect one!

Dr. Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He also writes, blogs, teaches workshops and university courses, presents at conferences, and trains sexuality educators. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and loves geeking out about sex, relationships, sex-positivity, love and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, and sexual practices and techniques of all varieties. Follow him online, on Twitter at @charlieglickman, or on Facebook.

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