Sh*t My Kids Say – Part 2

“Stop eating mommy’s face!

Now I don’t recommend psychologically abusing your children, but in this particular case I couldn’t help it. Roomba was playing the demanding diva and trying to control my actions. I wasn’t having it. She was just gonna have to put up with our display“so I kissed mommy even harder. She whined, cried, stomped, and screamed, but no tantrum would stop me from locking lips with her mom. How the hell do you think you got here, kid? Passion, kid, passion.

(We’ll ignore the over a year of trying and going through fertility tests and the I’m ovulating nownownow and the first round of fertility drugs that gave us two bundles of joy rather than the planned one.)


I snorted and shoved my tongue down mommy’s throat.

Now that I’m in my 40s, I find the dance of hormones from my youth fascinating. I no longer have the sex drive I had in my 20s and 30s, but at the same time I’m also not cootie-phobic like I was in my elementary school years. I had a girl chase me all around the playground to try and kiss me. Good thing I was the fastest kid at school! Where does that aversion come from? Why do some kids have it (like myself and one of my daughters), some kids don’t (like the girl who chased me), and some kids couldn’t really care less (like Scooba, who thinks we just look funny)?

In Roomba’s case, it could be a bit of jealousy. She has no problem being cuddly with me, and will happily give me a peck when she’s feeling affectionate. She is also very much a daddy’s girl at the moment. At the same time, she doesn’t protest when I hug or give a quick peck or the lips to mommy, or any lovers. Maybe she does think I’m eating mommy’s face!

As mommy explained to Roomba that we were “just kissing in an attempt to ease her mind, we watched her think about it between sniffles. Finally she announced,

“Don’t kiss, but it’s okay to eat mommy’s face.

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