Sharing a Fantasy

People joke about the fantasies of moms and wives as men doing household chores, as if that is our real desire; being pleased domestically. A man washing dishes is supposed to get me hot? And as a mom, I am supposed to be the primary audience for this?

Sorry, as much as I loathe cleaning my kitchen, I’d much rather be having sex with that man than watching him scrub a pan. Folding my laundry is a sexual act if and only if we just did it on the washing machine during the spin cycle. Now, can we go deeper (and sexier?) to say that what is being fantasizing about in this household chore arena is submission? Possibly. Maybe that is just me being kinky. I would need some explicit power differential to make housework play hot. You know, a little, “scrub that pan until I say it’s clean and then come massage my feet,” with some “Yes Mistress!” type responses thrown in.

As a sex-positive person, I can fantasize about anything I want without any pressure to act it out. When alone, I am free to let my mind wonder to whatever is going to get me off in the moment. Afterwards I can reflect if I want: “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves? Huh, who knew?” Ok, that is actually funny because I am so tall and shorter people tend to… well, never mind, that’s a different post. The point is that I know just because I may fantasize about something I do not have to physically act on it or that I am bad or depraved or wrong in anyway for allowing myself to go there.

And that is what gets me about the hunky guys doing housework thing, the assumption of what will turn on a mom or wife or just women in general. Like that is even possible. As a single mom, as a strong woman both physically and emotionally, as someone who finds her self in charge a lot, it’s easy to make some assumptions about what I might fantasize about:  Being doted on since I am always on the grind, rescued like a princess from a day of dreary responsibility. Or the opposite: an aggressive desire to dominate a partner in bed, getting off on overpowering them.

The truth is all of the above and everything in between. Another aspect of sex positivity is the freedom to share a fantasy. There are fantasies I keep for me and there are ones that I want to explore with another person. The real challenge is when to include a partner in the fantasy. When to actually share what I am interested in indulging. It’s a very vulnerable action to take, it’s a way of exposing myself that can’t be undone. Once I tell a partner that I would like to be spoken to in such a way, or put into a certain position in order to reach a climatic mind blowing orgasm, I can’t take that back. It may be easier to just let them assume. To not speak up and just enjoy what they have in mind or what they have to offer.

But because I do see myself as autonomous, and solely responsible for having my needs met, I speak up and take the risk of being judged. I once had a lover who had never shared his most recurring fantasies with a partner prior to me because he never felt safe to do so. He was afraid of making them uncomfortable or being judged as too freaky. The amazing thing about an open mind and a willing partner is that you can never really run out of fun things to try. Some of his fantasies surprised me and that was awesome. I would not have assumed certain things to turn him on so much. I learned a lot. He and I were able to check off quite a few mutual fantasies during our time together and that was great.

As a single person, with each new lover there is that moment of exposure, of, ok, here it goes, you may have these assumptions about me, but this is what I am into…are you down? But taking that risk and having it work out is so ridiculously, amazingly, spine-tingily, toe-curlingly WORTH IT!

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Airial Clark

As of May 2012, I will have completed my Master’s Degree in Human Sexuality Studies at San Francisco State University. Prior to attending graduate school, I graduated from UC Berkeley in 2007 with a double major BA in English Literature and Anthropology while raising two young sons as a single parent. At Cal, I was President of the Student Parent Association. I am a regular contributor to the Sex Positive Photo Project of the SF Bay Area and Shades Magazine. I have presented my original research at multiple academic conferences and symposiums. I will be presenting my Master’s Thesis Study at the OpenSF Conference this June. I have trained with Community at Work to be a group facilitator and am fully committed to the participatory process of decision making.

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