Sexual Happiness: To Thine Own Self Be True

I have to admit that this is the sort of thing that seems so obvious to me that I’m surprised that someone had to do research. But then, it’s good to have empirical validation, especially since that means that it can be used in other research.

It turns out that romantic relationships work better when we’re able to to see ourselves clearly and objectively, act in ways consistent with our beliefs, and interact honestly and truthfully with others. This makes a lot of sense to me- if we’re withholding information from a partner, it’s harder to connect because there’s a part of ourselves on guard all the time. That creates a tension that makes it challenging to relax into pleasure, love, connection, and/or sex.

Similarly, if we’re doing something that’s in conflict or tension with our values or sense of our selves, there’s a cognitive dissonance that can easily short-circuit our arousal. When we’re out of alignment, we waste energy and have to struggle against friction. That gets in the way of our pleasure and well-being. If we can bring our actions into alignment with our values and our beliefs, things are a lot smoother.

I believe that this is key to understanding sex-positivity. We each come to this life as an individual, with as much diversity around sex as there is around any other part of being human. If we want to maximize the possibility for people to find their own well-being, if we want people to thrive as sexual creatures, we need to make as much room as we can for people to find their sexual authenticity.

It doesn’t matter where you fall on the scale. If you want sex once a month or 4 times a day or never, if you want sex with one person or with a dozen (or more), if you want something no-frills or with all the bells, whistles and toys, as long as it’s coming from your authentic desire, that’s where your sexual happiness lies. Rather than looking outward at what everyone else is doing (or says that they’re doing), we need to look inward and figure out what we genuinely want.

If you’re looking for tools to help make that easier, check out this upcoming workshop:

Getting Real: Claiming Your Sexual Authenticity
Wednesday, June 9, 8-10 pm
$25 if pre-registered, $30 for drop-ins
Valencia St.
How much of yourself do you hold back during sex? Do you find it easier to have hot sex with a stranger than a committed partner? Beneath our kink, gender and love style preferences, there is a pervading challenge: how do we bring our whole selves into our sexual play? Isis Leeor brings a wide range of skills and practices to the exploration of sexual authenticity and she’ll help you find new ways to evoke your inner self in order to include it in your sex life. Come discover how connecting to the deeper facets of your self can help you create deep, steamy sex. For more information about Isis, please visit rawhunger.com.

To purchase a ticket for this workshop, please visit http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/97623.

Dr. Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He also writes, blogs, teaches workshops and university courses, presents at conferences, and trains sexuality educators. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and loves geeking out about sex, relationships, sex-positivity, love and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, and sexual practices and techniques of all varieties. Follow him online, on Twitter at @charlieglickman, or on Facebook.

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