Sex Questions from the Twittersphere: How do I get some?

Dr. Carol Queen answers questions from our social networks.

Q: my sex question- how do I get some? I mean, with someone I actually find sexually attractive!

Ha! Well, there *is* this little phenomenon called “the sex industry” which evolved to address this prevailing question. Perhaps you’ve heard of it! While not every provider will be one you’ll find attractive, some are likely to fill whatever individual bill you happen to have.

Also popular venues for “getting some” are relationships and some frisky elements of the sexuality communities. In either case, I trust you’ll know when you meet someone you find sexually attractive; in the context of relationship-seeking, especially, there are other levels of personal compatibility that you will need to take into account. And in either of these settings you will need to consider what kind of sex you’re into and whether your intended partner is into a comparable or compatible thing; and whether the person to whom you are attracted also finds *you* attractive.

To get the first part, compatibility, taken care of, it’s good for you to know what you want to do, or at least have a good idea about things you’d like to try. Then you need to look for compatibility clues (which can be a process fraught with vagueness and misinterpretation, so I don’t recommend it very highly), or better yet be able to communicate clearly about your desires. This is vitally important going into relationships, where more than just an evening or a weekend can be screwed up when communication isn’t clear and compatibility isn’t established.

To consider the second part, sometimes it helps to find a friend who knows you pretty well, and ask them to go over with you things that might prevent someone from being attracted to you. They will speak from their own perspective, of course, but may be able to help you look more clearly at the way you dress, groom, communicate, carry yourself — in general, the way you come off to people when you meet them, at that time that people (consciously or not) are asking themselves how interesting you are to them and in what ways. If you get feedback that you think might really make a difference, consider trying out some changes based on it: haircut, new clothes, over-shy or over-aggressive communication or flirt style, etc.

Since I mentioned flirting, do you do it? Is it successful? If you said yes but no, it’s possible you’re sending anti-attractive messages with your flirt style: coming on too strong, etc. Also — this came up in a conversation with an attractive woman the other day — some attractive people notice that certain folks zero in on them to flirt, but treat less attractive people around them much less well, and this does not inspire desire in them. There are workshops you can take about flirting — LaSara FireFox does one in the Bay Area occasionally, as do Celeste and Danielle, and Francesca Gentille (whose perspective is influenced by her Tantra studies).

Best of luck, and hopefully something here will turn a key for you!
–CQ

Related at Good Vibrations:
Good Vibrations After Hours Sex Ed Workshops
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Brookline, MA

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Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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