Sex Questions from the Twittersphere: Advice for the nervous and young?

Question: If you could give 1 piece of advice about sexual relationships to a nervous, inexperienced 22yo woman, what would it be?
Sexual relationships are like a conversation that you conduct largely (but not solely) with your body – and like any conversation, someone starts it off, the other person picks up the thread, and it becomes a back-and-forth: hopefully one that stays engaging, pleasant and comfortable for both parties.

There are a few parallels to keep track of as you’re learning to communicate this way, because we’ve all been in conversations with people who weren’t paying attention to our contribution, where we got bored, where we felt offended or taken for granted… and hopefully we’ve also had conversations that felt like an intimate mind-meld.

The same skills (and problems) can a verbal conversation and a physical sexual connection, so in deciding who’s appropriate to be physical with (and how to hone your own skills), look out for how it feels to be respected, listened to, your own perspective valued. Even when you don’t know where a conversation’s going, you often know you’re engaged in it, and sex can be like that too.

Maybe this explains why conversation is so often a successful lead-in to sex, or at least how it helps people decide whom they might want to be sexual with at a later time. Just remember in both contexts that you get to have your own boundaries and comfort levels, as well as your own sources of fascination and interest.

Tweet! Take care and have fun!

CQ

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Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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