Setting 2013 Sex Goals

Two weeks ago my friend Alex messaged me:

Are you around on the first? Wanna throw a joint vision board chill future pondering party?

To which I replied: Yes and Yes.

The first I’d ever heard of a vision board was a few months ago during some small business classes I’d been taking. The first time I heard the phrase I’m pretty sure I silently scoffed. Moi? Vision board?! Where will the woo end?

But it was the final project for completion of the course. So I did it, and turned out I looooooved making vision boards. Mine had a focus of my money and business dreams: images of the magazines I hoped would review my book, words and phrases I wanted to enact (like “ferocious!” and “radical, abundant & luscious life”), and some images of travel destinations on my list. I measured the board and picked out an extra large frame and when I was done I put my vision board up on my bedroom wall, where I see it every day when I wake up and every night when I go to bed. Well, these vision boards are, like, magical or something because it’s been fewer than six months since I made that vision board and nearly 3/4 of what’s on it has happened.

I found myself wondering: could a vision board do for my sex & romance life in 2013 what it did for my business life in 2012? Intentionality, I’ve learned, is the spice of change. Why not apply the same intentionality and seriousness to my sex life as I do to my business life? Sure, I don’t keep track of my lady business in an excel spreadsheet (if that’s your kink, then by all means do your thing), but I do have sexual and romantic goals and desires that deserve focus.

I told Alex I would bring some bagel bites to our vision board party, but I ended up bringing a box of taquitos my parents gave me after I spent a week with them during Christmas. It was my parting gift.. that and some pizza pockets (which are hard to share at a party).

I got to the party ready to vision my way into some amazing booty karma, and I found myself sitting there with piles of magazines, glittery card stock, scissors, dolphin stickers, and a complete lack of inspiration. I didn’t know what to put on my vision board! I didn’t realize this would be difficult. It’s become clearer and clearer to me in the past couple of years what I want from my professional relationships and even my platonic ones, but the sexy ones: I still haven’t learned what to ask the Ass Fairy for.

With the help of some loving fellow party goers, we talked it out. My original idea was that my sex vision board would be about 3”x 5”. My friend was quick to ask how big my business vision board is. Answer: HUGE. “What does it say about how much you value this part of your life that you want to put it in a 3” x 5” frame?” She was SO right. We talked out some more stuff, like what I envisioned wanting in 2013:

Passion? Yes.

Man Babies? No.

Orgasms? Yes.

Marriage? No.

Weekends dedicated to being bathed in red wine? Yes.

Rekindling romances with sociopaths of bygone days? No.

I started cutting out words (including the above quote from none other than Rihanna) and images that were meant to conjure the love gods. And when I went back to sort through them, I ended up chucking about one-third of the images I’d originally snipped. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what exactly the final product will conjure yet, but I have faith that favorable outcomes are on the way. Now you have an update to look forward to!

Now onto the practical stuff for you: I highly recommend writing out or vision boarding your sex goals for 2013. Make sure they’re visible: you should be able to see them at least once a day. Never underestimate the power of suggestion. Once the goals are set and committed to paper it’s easier to tell how far from or close you are to achieving them. It’s easiest to be sure you’re making goals happen by creating goals that are measurable, achievable and time-bound. For example if you want to be more orgasmic this year try writing out a goal like this one:

“By July 2013 I will have read one guidebook on orgasms and tried 3 of the suggestions in it.”

Rather than, “In 2013 I will try to be more orgasmic,” which is vague and doesn’t have an action plan.

As you’re drafting goals, try to take some time (hey, maybe invite a fellow sex over-achiever!) to focus on what your gut (or lower than that even) is telling you it wants. Flip through magazines and see which words and images jump out at you. In round one, snip all the stuff that has even the vaguest appeal. You can sort through them later in round two.

Once you’ve got the words and images, you’re ready to make a vision board and set some goals. Get ready, ghurl. This may be the closest we’re going to get to a Martha Stewart approved nookie-acquisition crafting project this year!


Virgie Tovar

Virgie Tovar is the author/editor of the upcoming fat positive anthology Hot &Heavy: Fierce Fat Girls on Life, Love and Fashion (Seal Press, November 2012). She holds an MA in Human Sexuality, is certified as a sex educator, and was voted Best Sex Writer by the Bay Area Guardian in 2008 for her first book, Destination DD: Adventures of a Brest Fetishist with 40DDs. After teaching Female Sexuality at UC Berkeley she went onto host The Virgie Show (CBS Radio) from 2007-2008. When she’s not teaching sexuality seminars or shimmying as her burlesque alter ego, Dulce de Lecherous, she is creating content for her video blog: Virgie Tovar’s Guide to Fat Girl Living. Virgie has been featured on Playboy Radio and Women’s Entertainment Television. She lives in San Francisco.

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