I write the descriptions for our toy blurbs on our web site and in the Good Vibrations print catalog, and I have a bit of a confession to make. I’ve written so many descriptions of a certain type of toy that I can’t immediately tell what the differences are between them. I’m talking, of course, about pulsing bullet vibrators.
That’s where I come in — well, considering I wrote the blurbs that might already contribute to the confusing choices, this is where I come back in. It’s a pulse-off, ladies and gentlemen, pure and simple, and by the end of the article, you should have your future pulsing companion (should that be your desire) lined up.
Contender: Pulse-Right Bullet Vibe
Its story: The Pulse-Right was the first vibrator Good Vibrations sold that offered pulsing options. We still sell it, and it still looks like it’s the first vibrator of its genre. It’s a simple silver bullet with a simple controller bordering on tacky with its heart-shaped switch. Its pulsing options are pretty basic — of six total options, three are straight vibration, and three are pulsing speeds.
Secret advantage: Sure, it’s not anywhere near the fanciest bullet vibe we offer, but its bullet fits anywhere a Silver Bullet can go, including the P-Spot Plug, Bobbi Sue dildo and Cyber Ring Vibe, giving other toys the power of pulsing. Plus, it comes in at under $30 price-wise for those on a budget.
Who this vibe is for: You still have the same clunky, big cell phone you originally got several years ago. You and technology have not really spoken in the last few months, not that you’re fighting or anything, you’ve just drifted apart. You do like finding a good value, and like efficient purchases that complement things you already have.
Its story: This vibrator came to us a few years ago and was the darling of the office upon arrival. A powerful little bugger it was, plus the battery case was really nice. That might sound like a backhanded complement, but keep in mind that this was just prior to the point that toy manufacturers started designing nicer-looking battery packs. Very simple, and clean — if you want another pulse option, all you needed to do was press a single button and you were there. A perfect example of “less is more.” Oh, except it had a lot more power than most battery vibes. So, it could also be a “more is more” story.
Secret advantage: Over the Pulse-Right, it has to be the seven speeds. Three pulsing options, plus two speeds of steady pulse, an escalating pulse (goes from slow to fast then begins again) and a roller coaster (escalating pulse that goes from slow to fast back to slow back to fast, etc.).
Who this vibe is for: You appreciate simple, clean designs — you’ve got the Feng Shui thing going in your apartment and minimalist sensibilities. You normally feel sufficiently full after a meal of tapas or sushi. You like a strong vibrator but appreciate a small size.
Contender: iSurge Vibe
Its story: In product design, there seems to be two eras — “Before iMac” and “After iMac.” The Before iMac era of vibrator design saw lots of simple, basic colors in the toys. Plastics were opaque and solid and named after the actual color they represented. Then the iMac debuted, and suddenly vibrators came in translucent, bright colors. Purple became grape. Toy names suddenly were preceded with a lowercase “i.” The iSurge represents the marriage of pulsing technology with the After iMac era. However, it threw its hat in the ring with a bit more than an appetite-whetting name and candy colors: the iSurge offered separate controls for the intensity of the five options (steady vibration, steady pulse, short short long pulse, escalating and roller coaster). Therefore, iSurge buyers had not only the five options, but also a range of speeds to enjoy those options. Nice, huh?
Secret advantage: The iSurge’s bullet is just about the same size as an Itty Bitty Vibe, which means it can fit in the numerous sleeves designed for Itty Bittyhood: Any of the Itty Bitty Sleeves, the Wireless Cyber Ring, the Echo and similar dildos, the Spiral Plug, etc.
Who this vibe is for: Obviously, Mac people, and those who generally surround themselves with bright colors (sorry, Goths). You’re sort of like the Pulse-Right people in that you’re big on toys that you can build on with sleeves, etc., but aren’t as skittish about technology. Not that your cell phone is anything to write home about, but you’ve been able to at least download a custom ring and maybe even a game or two. So, there.
Contender: Powerhouse Bullet
Its story: At first glance, this toy admittedly does not have a lot going for it. The metallic gold and black design with the Penthouse logo screams late ’80s. Then, you turn it on (after loading in the six AA batteries it requires). Suddenly you don’t think the ’80s were all that bad, after all: the power this vibrator gives off is amazing. It offers 10 options, all of which you can watch, simply animated on the small LED screen. While the animation is as simple as it can get, I’d liken it to watching the bars go up and down in time with the music on your stereo tuner: it’s certainly low-tech but mesmerizing just the same. The 10 options include two steady vibration speeds (plus one option of both speeds alternating); three steady pulse speeds; one option in which two pulse speeds alternate; and three settings with pulses alternating with straight vibrations in patterns I couldn’t figure out well enough to explain.
Secret advantage: While the large bullet does not fit the sleeves that the iSurge or the Pulse-Right do, its size and shape spread strong vibrations over a large area (a la the Hitachi Magic Wand’s powerful vibes coming through a tennis-ball sized head). The egg’s also got a little flat indentation at the tip, making it ideal for focused vibration directly on the clit or wherever else, if that’s more your thing.
Who this vibe is for: Hitachi fans who are looking for a vibrator with similar juice. You likely prefer automobiles with good pick-up, or, barring that, doing things quickly. You prefer biking over running and running over walking and walking over sitting down. In general, you prefer things that get the job done, well, and aren’t easily swayed by trendy items. Nope, it’s the tried-and-true for you.
Its story: While not technically a pulsing vibrator, the beauty of this toy is that it can be. It’s outfitted with a vibrator that surges with increases in sound. So if you’re listening to music, it’ll correspond to the beat. The louder the music, the stronger the vibe. It also works with voice — so say you’re at home and your partner is talking dirty — well, that dirty talk will start working for more than your imagination. If that all seems like too much work, simply turn up the volume sensitivity to the highest setting — the Audi-Oh will work as a strong, steady vibe.
Secret Advantage: It’s got a few more aces up its sleeve, namely a, well, wearable butterfly sleeve that holds the bullet in place and designed to wear under clothing. Perfect for a dance club, it really can go anywhere you go, activated by ambient conversations and sounds (though be careful out in public should an ambulance or fire truck go by). You can also hook up your CD or MP3 player directly to the controller so your music or audio tracks are directly translated into custom pulses for your own private, orgasmic dance party.
Who this vibe is for: All those gadget girls and guys who were maybe put off by the previously mentioned vibes — you’re in flavor country with the Audi-Oh. Do you club? Here you go. In general, if you’re passionate about the Next Big Thing, enjoy getting cutting-edge technology and being ahead of the pack in that regard, this truly unique, ahead-of-its-time toy is for you.
And that covers our pulsing bullet vibrators. “But wait,” you might be saying. “You’ve got plenty of other pulsing options out there in the form of penetration-style vibes.” Well, I’m glad you mentioned it. Check out the Mermaid Pearl and Dragon Pearl for pulsing options on a twice-as-nice vibe. The Royal Pulse is a simple insertable that pulses, while the iPlug is a pulser designed for anal penetration.
But that’s another article down the road, particularly when we have dozens of insertable vibrators with pulsing options. Until then, I’m glad to do my part in elucidating on vibrator features, so you don’t have to. Pulse on!