Our Postpartum Sex Plan

sex calendar

photo by Joe Lanman

With our first child, my husband and I had no idea what would happen to our sex life. We were certainly concerned, especially after reading so many parenting magazines that seemed to think a good outcome would be a return to sex after six months or so–if we were lucky. Everything turned out fine and we were able to keep up sex play even through my six weeks of postpartum rest, but this time around we’ll have a demanding toddler to look after on top of everything else.

We’re concerned again, but since we have more responsibilities, I asked my husband if we could make a sort of sex plan, rather than just wing it. The closeness we felt last time when everything just came together was great, but dodging a toddler means we have to worry about two people being asleep, and one of them is like a little coitus interrupts ninja.

So, our basic plan is this: sex needs to be a priority. Yes, there will be times when we’re both too tired for a full-blown fuck fest, but the intimacy we get from being together is what makes us more than just roommates. I foresee mutual masturbation playing a big part in our sex life, or rather a bigger part. Even now my changing body means I can’t always take my eight-inch husband and there are times when we have to settle for oral or manual sex. Contrary to what everything says, my vagina is becoming more shallow and tight, though it does sometimes loosen up in certain positions.

Sexting is another way we’ve found to be intimate with less time. It sounds stupid, but I like being able to open my phone and see that my husband has sent me a picture of his magnificent erection. It also helps get us in sync for when he comes home. It may be a little adolescent, but you can’t argue with results.

Besides keeping up these trends, we’re also planning on integrating more porn. This is where things get a little difficult for us. I prefer dirty movies, while my husband is a fan of the written word, so we don’t often partake as a couple. I tend to get distracted by the numerous typos and plot holes in his internet porn and he tends to want more of a plot. We’re going to have to compromise, choosing our favorites to share and being conscious of the other person’s preferences.

I always hear that women are jealous of porn, but why anyone would be challenged by a few pixels on a screen is beyond me. Besides, even if the actress is more attractive than I am–and there are some damn hot ladies in porn–my husband is intelligent enough to know that not only is it unlikely that woman would be interested in him, but that I’m more than just a body, just like him. And besides, tomorrow it will be another woman, or group of women on the screen. He’s sometimes jealous of the people I see in porn, but a few moments of my fixating on his fabulous body and skills generally cures him of that and reminds him that I’m not about to get overly excited over a .mov file.

We also wrote out a few things to set our priorities and make sure we’re on the same page. We talked about how often we need it, what to do if we feel unfulfilled, what constitutes realistic expectations, and ways we can make each other feel sexy when it may have been days since we’ve had a shower. I feel like this will give me some bargaining ground if I’m not getting enough and he feels like it will help keep me in check when I’ve not had intercourse for over a month. I hate arguing about sex, so I hope he’s right!

Having a game plan for sex may not be as romantic as we might like, but becoming parents means compromising our desires with reality.

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