Not What I Was Expecting: AB/DL

My boyfriend is a lot of things. He’s a geek, a cook, a writer, a submissive, a puppy, a Brit, a smartass, and, sometimes, my cow.

He’s also an adult baby.

All the other stuff, I knew what to do with. I’ve not been a Domme for a long time, but I’ve explored enough to enjoy experimentation, role play, and keeping things interesting. I’ve been on the submissive side, too- mostly as a service submissive, though I was a happy rope and spanking bottom as well. But there is one area that is completely foreign to me, and that is the Magical Land of Maternal Feelings. I have never been there, and I’m not entirely sure if I’m capable of traveling there.

Then the boy told me he was interested in adult baby/diaper lover play. He told me this pretty early on, and we’re still together, so obviously we’ve worked some things out. I’ve never been into babies, so frankly it took me months to be ok with playing with ageplay as a caregiver. As I’ve found that upfront, how-to, non-professional resources for people on the Mommy side of this kink are pretty rare, I thought I might write a few articles on it, especially as it’s pretty popular both here in the Bay Area and in London. Down the line I’ll write up the uncertain, maybe reluctant caregiver’s guide to AB/DL- sort of a What to Expect When You’re Expecting for this kink. Additionally, this is about ageplay and adult baby stuff, but can apply to ANY kink that you just Don’t Get.

Obviously, when your boyfriend says “ohai, I’m into diapers and onesies, you begin to panic if , like me, you have vehement baby apathy bordering on squick. I did, for months. I would try a scene here, or read some smut there, but then feel overwhelmed by this kink and what seemed to me like the huge amount of neediness and emotional cling that seemed attached and recoil completely. There were times where I would just rock back and forth and mutter “anything else, I can handle anything else! And it was very hard expressing how I felt while not making him feel like he was a perverted messed up person.

I tried. First I tried pretending, playing a role. I tried to relate it to my Domme archetype, sort of Drusilla mixed with a cheerleader. I tried to ask questions about it on forums, read up on it, bought the only books on the subject, and yet felt like I was going in blind. The limited experience I had with AB/DL wasn’t particularly good- and while I felt fiercely protective of anyone’s right to pursue their kink, I was pretty reluctant to engage in this myself, especially as a parent. I didn’t think I had it in me. My questions just confirmed my fears, that people into this kink on either side were either into it their whole lives or not at all. What to do? I loved my boy and wasn’t prepared to break it off just for the sake of a kink I didn’t grasp.

But I also found myself feeling really resentful. I was the Domme in the relationship, and the leader generally- I didn’t want to feel like I had to be in charge all the time. The forums I had read were overwhelmingly filled with adults whining for someone to take care of them, and I was just scared that was what my relationship with the boy would turn into. But then I realized that has very little to do with the AB kink per se, when I stop and think about it, though some kinks are more prone to it I expect. You get submissives who are total do me queens and you get Dom/mes who tell you that it’s not about you so you’d better learn to get off on what they give you. It’s just one of those ways that kink is broken- we’re all so desperate to have our kink made manifest that we forget that we’re doing this shit with someone else, who has their own kinks.

So we tried making it into a game. During the World Cup, I rooted for the US and he for the UK- whenever our team won, we got the scene of our choice. That was better- not only did I get to do his AB/DL scene in a way that made me feel more comfortable, but I also got the scene of my choice, and chose a Daddy/girl scene that put him on the top. That moved things forward a bit- I realized I needed him to be in charge more often to give me a break, and I realized that I felt uncomfortable with him being in a diaper overnight. I wanted to wake up and the scene be over, and that plastic was a total weird cockblock for me, especially as he wasn’t into sexual ageplay!

Ok, so we were getting somewhere. I even helped him run a couple of ageplay picnics in London to gather more people together. Still, I realized to my dismay that it was another case of too many submissives and too few Dominants. I tried going with him to a munch in SF, and felt incredibly out of place (looking back, I was probably scared I’d be mobbed). And I still had this issue of feeling like the attachment involved with adult baby play was too intense for me, someone who struggles with touchy-feeliness at the best of times. And of course, my biggest problem was that since I didn’t have maternal feelings, it felt like I was pushing myself to do this for him with little return.

By the time we went to our first ageplay party, I snapped. I felt so uncomfortable with him doing this play with anyone else- it felt so intimate that I wanted it to be with me. But I felt so awkward being his Mother figure! I thought miserably we’d have to break up, because it was his big kink and I couldn’t deal with it. We spent so many nights crying, not sure what we were going to do to fix this. I hated making him feel like he was sick in the head, but couldn’t help my reaction, either.

Then we stopped talking about it for a while. It was still bubbling in my head, and probably his, but we moved on. He started doing more service submission stuff, making my life easier and making me feel really cared for. He started to learn massage techniques. I started to relax in the Domme role, feeling less and less like I had to be in control of everything.

And then came the real epiphany– I gave him an erotic massage, and he felt some of the same feelings he did when I changed his diaper. This led to him thinking about what his specific desires and kinks were within the adult baby/diaper play thing, and he began to find various ways he could satisfy those desires without making me feel threatened or pressured. Suddenly we were able to find common ground, things we both liked that made us both happy and feel nurtured.

Then we tried switching- he became my Daddy. This really came into play when we were apart, as he’s in the UK and I’m in the US at the moment. Every night, I get into my onesie and he reads me stories til I fall asleep. Having him be my Daddy has worked on two levels- it’s given him an idea of what it’s like to be the caregiver, and it allows me to feel little and let go of my usual stresses, trusting that Daddy will take care of it.

Gradually I turned from feeling a little weirded out by ageplay into really enjoying it. I think what helped was being able to explore it on my terms. I enjoyed trying out the Daddy Dom dynamic with the boy, for example, instead of the Mommy side. I got to understand why people like being in a little headspace by being in one myself. Granted, I also saw how tempting it could be to retreat into that headspace and refuse to be an adult- so I now make sure that we balance our AB/DL play with other kinky time. I even went back to the ageplay party, this time with a friend of mine who loves AB/DL, and really enjoyed being her queer Mommy type.

It’s still pretty new, and I still get frustrated by how broken this kink is. It’s not very female friendly- most of the forums are overwhelmed by men whinging about how they can’t find partners, or messaging any women there with demands to indulge their kinks. The photos I see on some places, particularly of men, are mostly really poorly done shots of just their diapers. And I still don’t know if I would want a room devoted to an adult nursery. But I no longer feel squicked, just curious about what’s down the rabbit hole. Or through the preschool doors, whichever!

Why have I written all this? Well, I guess I want to reassure people, particularly in relationship to this kink but kinks in general- your partner may not be into what you’re into. It may not be their kink. But be patient, be willing to compromise, and let them feel their way around it. You may be surprised at what happens when you let them find their own way!


Kitty Stryker

Kitty Stryker is a geeky sex worker, Burner, rabid writer and feminist activist with one high-heeled boot in San Francisco, California and one in London, England. In London, Stryker worked with the TLC Trust, an online organization connecting people with disabilities with sex workers experienced with emotional or physical limitations. She is the founder of the award-winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, and was nominated by the Erotic Awards as Sex Worker of the Year for her charity and activism work. Now back in the States, Stryker has been presenting Safe/Ward, a workshop on combating entitlement culture within alternative sexual communities, along with being the PR rep for the Bay Area Sex Workers Outreach Project promoting sex worker rights. She has written for Huffington Post, Filament, and Tits and Sass, built a social media strategy for Cleis Press, and consults with sex workers about their online presence. In her copious free time, she enjoys switching things up with her two hot lovers. Read more from Stryker on her personal blog, Purrversatility.

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1 Response

  1. Beatrice says:

    I honestly can’t thank you enough for writing this artical. I was able to relate to it on so many levels. I feel reassured in my feelings about needing to explore with him more on my terms. But again thank you, thank you, thank you!