My Bat-porn Shame

My porn choices are, like my choices with any other media “ films, video games, books “ sometimes fuelled by less-than-totally-intelligent reasoning. A common recurring theme in my most inane purchases is the geeky collector-lust: the idea that I should buy something because it’ll help add to my collection of a certain media franchise figure, say Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Star Trek. To this day, I can’t come up with reasonable, rational explanations for why I own several novels based upon the Angel or CSI franchises, or why I own numerous mediocre-to-rubbish Buffy games. Actually, yes I can, it’s that total fannishness driving my purchasing again; hardly my most intelligent side.

This relates to my porn purchases too. As much as I’d love to support more queer and non-mainstream porn, I always get a little hesitant, thinking “is this really worth my money? But then, when something related to geek-obsession of the minute turns up, I go “ooh, gimme! Look, it’s something that ties into my current fixation! Must have! I guess this explains how I ended up with not one but two Batman porn films in my collection: Batman XXX and BatFXXX.

Fun fact: I own no other porn films. I once owned some hentai porn that I bought back when I was in my mid teens and it was literally the first porn I ever saw available for purchase, so I excitedly snapped it up…and its two sequels when they were released months later. These films were unilaterally terrible, by the way, and I’ve since given them away. Something must have made me go back and get the second and third films though, even though I knew the preceding ones had been astoundingly awful. Again, probably just the geeky urge towards completing a set: the geekiness of a teenaged manga nerd with a hard-on, no less.

But yes, two Batman-themed porn movies, one, Batman XXX, a witty and clearly lovingly-crafted porn pastiche of the ˜60s Adam West TV show, complete with details like the wall-walk cameo (this time with Ron Jeremy leaning out of the window to invite the caped crusaders in for an orgy, of course). The other, BatFXXX, is a take on The Dark Knight, which results in an odd beast that mixes scenes of a scar-faced Joker killing people for pleasure in amongst huge orgy scenes. It’s all a little macabre, to be frank. But still, it features some typically ˜hot’ multi-person sex scenes. ˜Hot’ by the most mainstream porn definition, of course.

I guess that’s why I feel guilty watching these. Again, I know that they’re kind of a laugh: I enjoyed watching Batman XXX for the parody elements more than I enjoyed watching it for the sex (which is not a slight at the expense of the sex or actors in that film by any means, believe me). Still, I feel like I shouldn’t get off to them because they’re just so mainstream and ˜straight’ in their definitions of what’s hot and sexy. I almost feel kind of guilty for still getting off to that stuff, despite having been introduced to queer porn. Although, I must give credit where credit is due: BatFXXX does what it does very well indeed, and I rather quickly found myself extremely aroused by its scenes, much to my surprise; it really is that good, I guess.

Still, would it be hard to create porn that covers both markets? Mainstream porn obviously has a bigger budget, so can parody the blockbusters with just that little bit extra verisimilitude. Maybe the problem isn’t a practical or budgetary one, maybe it’s simply one of differing goals and differing markets: the people who make queer porn are writing their own porn rules, making up their own new turf, and don’t want to be stuck creating riffs on the mainstream, perhaps.

When it comes to it, queer Batman would hardly be difficult. Queer interpretations of the character have been around for decades, and even BatFXXX has Batman and Robin getting it on with each other (Robin played by Krissy Lynn, a big-titted blonde girl, of course). Also, both films feature scenes of people basically being date-raped, with BatFXXX‘s entire plot essentially acting like an x-rated riff on the ’89 Batman, with the Joker’s evil, rictus-grin-inducing ˜Smilex’ chemical being replaced by a nameless one that makes everyone is Gotham city “ or rather Gothard city (˜Got Hard,’ get it?) “ incredibly horny. You’d think if they were all really that horny it almost wouldn’t matter who they’re having sex with, male or female. This being undeniably mainstream porn of course, the men remain entirely straight while the girls are all tantalisingly bi-curious. Yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever end up owning multiple films in which Batman gets date-raped either. Still, trying to shoe-horn a porno plot into the Batman universe, I guess ‘the villain who tricks/poisons the hero into becoming horny’ is just too tantalizing a plot hook to miss, murky ethical dilemmas be damned.

Still, the precursors are out there, across a thousand erotic fanfictions. Even the element of dubious-consent has its antecedents, in the likes of the mind-altering and orientation-shifting powers of pink kryptonite, a plot device in many a Superman slash fic. Batman XXX does aim for mostly consensual sex, even opting to go with a super-obscure reference and introduce a character based on a girlfriend Bruce Wayne had in one episode of the ˜60s series. Oddly though, despite theirs being a fairly obvious pairing for a scene, she and Bruce never actually have sex. Instead she gets captured by the Riddler and ˜bargains’ with him in order to receive better treatment at his hands. I guess, in superhero fiction “ a universe defined by combat between opposing forces more than it is by collaboration between those on the same side “ it’s easier to imagine sex between protagonist/antagonist pairs, which is going to end up a little rough-looking and perhaps morally dubious on screen. That said, both films do have scenes in with villains are serviced by their willing henchmen/molls, and members of the Bat-families get it on with one another.

Maybe I’m just being a prude after all. I mean, heck, I like consensual non-consent play, even in my porn sometimes. Still, I guess I feel a little icky perhaps when the “oh please mister prison warden, I’ll do anything to get a better cell trope is transplanted over the gleeful goofiness of the camp ˜60s Batman. It’s a tad jarring, to say the least. Maybe that’s the problem after all, the reason for all my guilt: for all the fun of seeing comic book heroes and big-name stars of movie blockbusters being lampooned in a fun porno (or two), these films also allow one, in a sense, to peek in on one’s childhood heroes going at it behind the scenes and in between the comic-book panels, and frankly, that can be a little unsettling, like walking in on your parents having sex. Porn parodies are ultimately iconoclastic in nature, and we all like to see the emperor revealed as having no clothes on, but still, when that emperor was once your hero of childhood fantasy, watching him with his junk hanging out can sometimes be a little more than one can handle, too.

All that said, I still haven’t learned a thing. If they released Batman-logo-shaped nipple clamps tomorrow, I’d be the first to whip out my credit card. Geeky habits can prove hard to break.

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