Mothers vs. Sex: The Taboo

Sex.  That taboo word that mothers hate to use, hate to have and hate to talk about (unless it involves bashing their husbands for wanting to get laid).  The irony being that to become a mother, sex was involved.  The irony also being that last year, people spent $1.4 billion on erotica novels, Fifty Shades of Grey has sold over 37 million copies worldwide and Magic Mike was all my fellow “mommy bloggers” could talk about. Yet, utter the word sex in a positive way and mothers look at you like you have two heads. 

 I am very open about my sex life and I understand that not all mothers are as comfortable as I am when it comes to talking about it.  Having said that, I do not understand when it became such a taboo subject within the momosphere

 I enjoy sex.  I love to have sex with my husband.  My sex life is probably the one thing that helps keep me sane in my chaotic life of raising five kids.  Sex is the one part of my day where I can take off my mom hat and just be his. I love the closeness that sex gives my husband and me.  I love seeing the pleasure in his eyes.  I love feeling the way only my husband can make me feel.  Our sex life is awesome.  My friends look at me crazy when I tell them this.  I look at them crazy for thinking I am the crazy one.  When I bring up the fact that I actually enjoy giving my husband blow jobs, you’d think I just told them I committed a crime.  They don’t understand and honestly, I feel bad for them. 

 The fact is, my friends and I used to be single, 20-something year old’s, who went out to bars and clubs, looking to get laid.  We had fun, sometimes to much fun.  We partied, had one night stands (some we regretted, some we didn’t) and we experimented with sex.  We went to adult stores and bought vibrators and toys.  We shopped at Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood.  We were 20-something year old woman who were always prepared for sex.  We all enjoyed it.  We all wanted it.  And then, one day, that ended.  We got married.  We had kids.  Our girl’s night out turned into a night of husband bashing and whining about sex.  I once tried to invoke a policy of ‘no husband talk’ while we were out.  That lasted all of two minutes.  My friends have changed.  They have forgotten who they once were, now consumed by the title of mom

 When I told these same friends that I was going to write for this blog, I got the looks.  I got the questions.  “Why would I want to write about sex?”  My answer has always been the same, “why not?”  Why not talk about something we all do, something we all used to enjoy, something that each one of them should still be doing. 

 Brad Pitt once gave an interview in which he said “he loves that Angelina is still as naughty as ever…but only behind closed doors.”  I think that is the hottest thing one can say about their significant other.  Good for them for not forgetting who they were, even after six kids.  I hope my husband feels the same way.  We were a couple BC (before children).  I am proud to say that our relationship and our sex have only gotten better since having kids.  Just because we have kids, doesn’t mean our sex life has to end.  It is okay to be a mother and enjoy sex.  It is okay to be a mother and enjoy giving blow jobs, getting oral, and experimenting in the bedroom. 

Before children, my husband and I watched adult videos, I wore crotchless underwear when we would go out.  I was always up for trying something new.  I can remember how shocked my husband was the first time he brought up anal sex and I actually agreed to it.  It was so empowering to know that I had just fulfilled one of his desires.  I am proud to say that not one of those aspects of our relationship has changed.  I am also proud to say that we continue to fill our sexual desires.  We still experiment.  We still have that ‘shock factor’ when one suggests something and the other is willing to try.  That is the key.  You have to keep that want, that desire for each other.  Do we always experiment?  Of course not.  Sometimes our sex is vanilla, and believe me, there is nothing wrong with vanilla sex.  The point is we are still us.  We haven’t let parenthood interfere with us. 

 My friends always ask me how the heck I have time for sex.  How I am not too tired for sex.  How I still feel comfortable about having sex with a post baby body.  How I can switch from being a mom to being a woman who wants to get fucked.  It’s easy.  You have to forget all the rest and remember that sex is fun.  Sex feels good.  Sex is something that when the word is uttered, you don’t turn into a pile of ash.  Am I always in the mood for a full on sex session?  No.  That is when we turn to a quickie in the bathroom while the kids are engrossed in an episode of Spongebob. 

 The problem I see with my friends sex lives is that it became too easy to say no.  They got in the habit of denying themselves the pleasure and calmness that having sex would give them.  They have forgotten the point of sex.  I always tell them to go out on a date.  Put on the racy bra that has been hiding in the back of their drawer.  Put on a pair of underwear with a remote controlled vibrator in them and go to the movies.  When it gets dark, hand their husbands the remote and have fun.  Throw away the frumpy shirt they sleep in and sleep naked.  Remember that 20-something girl they used to be. 

 Moms are allowed to have fun, to play, to have multiple orgasms.  Moms are allowed to talk about sex.  Moms are allowed to enjoy it.  Moms are allowed to feel sexy.  Moms are allowed to fuck and get fucked in return. 

 Sex, for now, may be a taboo subject in the momosphere, but hopefully, with some insight and the knowledge that one of their own is willing to talk about it, things will change….    

Suburbia Interrupted

Suburbia Interrupted is a SAHM to five, wife to one. When not shuffling kids to baseball fields and basketball courts, I write about relationships, sex with The Big Guy (my husband) and all the other crazy things that happen in my life, on a recurring, daily basis. My motto for life is simple: Each day, I attempt to balance motherhood, love and sex. Sometimes I get lucky. Sometimes I don't. You can also find me at Suburbia Interrupted or on twitter @sunshinemommy.

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3 Responses

  1. Angie says:

    Awesome article, and you make a point I’ve made several times about other moms who seem to forget their sex life once the kids are around. It’s been 10 yrs with my husband and we still tear each others clothes off, and I couldn’t imagine it any other way. Honestly if moms are complaining about their husbands wanting sex I feel sorry for them too, to want physical intimacy with someone you love is natural, and to push all that to the side when you become a mother is completely unnatural to me.

  2. Audrey Downing says:

    Thanks for writing this piece.
    I feel there is some sense of shame around sex once we become mothers. But even before motherhood, I find women can be very uptight around the idea of enjoying sex, wanting it, being kinky etc. Certainly when we become mothers we are shrouded in an expectation of sainthood; we are seen as non-sexual beings by many…even our husbands.
    It’s different for me because I’m a lesbian and generally speaking gay women are more liberal on what is considered sexy. My partner has zero issues around my post baby body and like you and your husband, have a very active and creative sex life. We are lucky.
    I feel the issues around sex shame predate the children and perhaps the marriage. Women need to come to terms with their sexuality and have a sex positive attitude. It is one of the great joys in life along with delicious food…watch the way a person eats and you’ll have a pretty good idea how they are in bed.
    Listen, in some ways we’re still caught up in that 50’s housewife persona whether we woulld like to admit it or not.
    We need to shed our skin and fuck and suck and kiss and run with the wolves. We need to have time to be our primal selves…this is liberating, therapeutic and necessary for our health! A good sex life makes for a better woman, mom and partner.

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