Making Time For Sex

I’m sure that most folks know what I mean when I say that it can be difficult to make time for sex. Working, doing chores, raising kids, grocery shopping- it’s no wonder that a lot of people are too tired to have sex at the end of it all. Plus, after a couple of years with the same person, a lot of people find that the initial excitement that sex brought tends to mellow, so folks in long-term relationships often find it tricky.

It’s a common bit of advice to schedule sex dates or date nights, or whatever you want to call it. But there’s more to making it work than simply deciding that, hey, it’s Thursday. We need to have sex! I like a lot of the tips in this article by Freddy and Eddy, in part because they offer some innovative ways to use google calendar, though any calendar sharing setup would probably work.

I also think that Marty Klein has some sage advice in his book Sexual Intelligence. I’ve written elsewhere that I think that this is one of the most useful and important guides for figuring out how to have the most satisfying sex lives we can, and this tip is no exception.

Marty’s observation is that date nights often place a lot of pressure on people to perform, which never helps. Part of the point of date nights is to make it easier to connect with your partner, but if you’re adding to the stress, that’s not likely to have the effect you want. So Marty’s thought is that sex dates should be more about making yourself available for sex, rather than setting up an ironclad expectation. When the date comes around, turn off the TV and take some time to connect with each other. If sex isn’t an option, no matter what the reason, find some other ways to do it. Share a conversation about what’s going on for you. Trade backrubs. Take a bath together. Go for a walk and hold hands. Kiss for an hour. Date nights don’t have to be about fucking, after all. If you take the pressure off, you’ll have much more room to connect.

Along those lines, if one kind of sex isn’t available, try something else. As we get older, some of our previous sex options don’t work as well, so we need to rethink what sex means and what we want to get out of it. There are plenty of ways to enjoy sex, so if certain positions or activities aren’t possible that time, try another. (We have lots of great books with all the tips and suggestions you need to discover a new favorite pleasure!)

When it comes down to it, those are really different ways of saying the same thing- take the pressure off date night. If you’re not both enjoying it, you’re doing it wrong.

Dr. Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He also writes, blogs, teaches workshops and university courses, presents at conferences, and trains sexuality educators. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and loves geeking out about sex, relationships, sex-positivity, love and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, and sexual practices and techniques of all varieties. Follow him online, on Twitter at @charlieglickman, or on Facebook.

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1 Response

  1. Ande Lyons says:

    Thanks for a terrific post Dr. Charlie!
    I la la LOVE Marty Klein’s book and you’re right, he talks about how many folks think sex should be spontaneous to be romantic. Planning a sensual, intimate evening together can be much more fun! Starting with a nice long good bye kiss in the morning… to text messages during the day… it’s all about anticipation. If you have kids, a lot more planning is involved…that and a strong lock on the bedroom door!
    I’ve been with my darling man for 26 years and we’ve lost many things, but we’ve never lost each other. The important thing is to keep the intimacy happening, because creating a deeper connection is what keeps the love lasting.
    Love following you on Twitter – cheers!
    @AndeLyons