Like It, Love It, Gotta Have It

I’m always amused when someone asks me what lesbians do in bed. Not because I’m laughing at what people don’t know–we all have stuff we don’t know, and thank goodness someone answers our questions–but because the question implies some sort of profound difference between what women do with each other in bed and what everyone else does with each other in bed.

Or on the kitchen counter, or wherever.

There’s no big difference.
Everything I have done with a woman I have also done with non-women, in some form or other. Every body has innies and outies–places things can go in and things that can go into places. Everyone. And how we choose to combine those places is entirely dependent not on biology but on taste.

What do you like?

Now, for queer folks and kinky folks and to some extent poly folks, this is a really normal question.
But having spent a good deal of time and energy with not-queer, not-kinky, not-poly folks, I have to say that that same question can be really revolutionary.

So pause for a moment and imagine a world where PIV (penis in vagina) intercourse is not at all normative–where it has no more primacy on the sexual menu than, say, frottage (rubbing up against each other)…and where each is considered as potentially satisfying as the other.

Let’s go over that again: PIV intercourse is as good as and equally as likely as frottage. One does not necessarily come before or after the other. And there is no reason you would prefer one of them except simple personal taste. Like choosing a favorite color.

Can you even do it?

I have been talking with people about sex since I was 14 and trained to do it since I was 20, AND I’m queer, and I still sometimes say “sex” when I mean “PIV intercourse” or “genital penetration”.

Seriously. It’s embedded in our culture; we drink it in the water. It requires conscious and consistent practice to change that linguistic tic, but it’s not just about language, because language shapes thought. If I keep saying it, I will keep reinforcing it, that sex, “real”, “normal”, or “ideal”, is PIV, man and woman.

Not okay.

Not okay for me, and not okay for the impact I have on everyone around me. Because that reinforcement happens in my head, and in the heads of all my listeners. Every time.

So back to the question of what people do in bed: everything.

Everyone does the same thing: we have sex if we want to. We have sex in different ways, with different results, or we don’t. We get off, or we don’t. We get turned on, or we don’t. We touch each other, or ourselves, or we don’t. There are so very many possibilities. And none of them have to do, really, with plumbing. We use whatever we have, in whatever way it works. Every body is a little bit the same, and every body is a little bit different. The assumptions one can make are limited at absolute best.

…and ultimately what matters isn’t the mechanics, but whether the experience is working for the people involved.

Which is nobody’s business but their own.

Leela Sinha

I'm a life coach with a serious preference for pleasure and ease. After spending years seeking out the hardest way to make something happen (hardest teachers, most complicated solutions, most challenging puzzles, thickest books) I finally noticed what I was doing...and stopped. Now I help people get back in touch with pleasure and their bodies--our first source of information when it comes to our best choices. Feel your skin, listen to your gut, notice your tension, lean into what you love. Good life and good relationships are built on finding the place where pleasure and ease intersect.

You may also like...