Lesbian Bed Death

I believe there is an urban legend that lesbians don’t fuck. I cannot confirm that rumor because, personally, sexless lesbian relationships have not been typical of my experience. But to be fair, I also have to admit that when the sex ends, aka “lesbian bed death,” I don’t tend to stick around.

Events that usually grind lesbian sex to a halt include, but are not limited to: new facial piercings that should not make contact with bodily fluids until healed; yeast infections (for obvious reasons that make oral sex off-putting); two bouts of simultaneous PMS (many breakups occur during this time\’shocking, I know); and having one’s period (not all women are comfortable having sex on the rag).

The other thing that can render your sex life a scorching-dry hinterland surprised me: different “love languages. I just never saw it coming. First, let me give you a little backstory. I dated this woman I was mad about. Right out of the gate we had smoking hot sex on a daily basis along with a strong emotional and intellectual connection\’all of it wrapped up in one seamless package of adventurous days and nights spent together. Perfect, right? That’s what I thought, too.

But life threw us some sobering bumps in the way of extreme stress and personal loss that caused our sex life to cease and desist until we drifted apart emotionally. We found it harder than we ever imagined to pick up our sex life and dust it off. When her emotional needs are met, she feels sexy. When I’m having sex, I feel emotionally connected. She couldn’t have sex until we re-established emotional intimacy. I couldn’t re-establish emotional intimacy without fucking. It was the most frustrating sexual standoff in my relationship history.

So we both floundered, sexless and without our individual needs being met. Are these grounds for a breakup? Even when you truly love one another? I suppose this is where compromise would have come in handy. Or, maybe the clincher about “needs is that they aren’t under our control\’they are the blueprint that dictates how each of us functions. And so they are as individual and indelible as fingerprints.

I knew one lesbian couple who, when encountering problems in their relationship, worked it out–aggressively–in the bedroom. They succeeded every time, and they’ve been together for over a decade. It seems that their sexual and emotional needs matched up perfectly. Perhaps an interview at the beginning of dating, before the sex ensues, might spare different-needs people the pain of finding out they aren’t compatible months down the road–after hearts are already entangled and at risk of breaking. Or perhaps some people are simply designed to be star-crossed lovers. When I figure it out, I’ll let you know\’but for the moment I’m sleeping alone.


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Good Vibrations is the premiere sex-positive, women-principled adult toy retailer in the US. An iconic brand and one of the world's first sex toy shops to focus specifically on women's pleasure and sexual education, Good Vibrations was founded by Joani Blank in 1977 to provide women with a safe, welcoming and non-judgmental place to shop for erotic toys. Good Vibrations has always included all people across the gender spectrum, and is a place where customers can come for education, high quality products, and information promoting sexual health, pleasure and empowerment. Customers can shop Good Vibrations' expertly curated product selection across any of its nine retail locations or on the GoodVibes.com website, where they can also find a wealth of information pertaining to sexual pleasure, exploration and education.

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