How to Stuff A Wild Stocking
Every year the same old crappy gift guides come out in catalogs, magazines, advertisements and commerce web sites. Predictable in suggestions and short on scope, these guides — from companies who want to sell product or writers who have a column to write — make me feel tired just reading them. My bad attitude about the holidays probably doesn’t help.
Don’t get me wrong — I love to give gifts. This time of year just always seems to lack a sense of humor, and a sense of irony, about shopping and gift giving. You see, I think shopping is the sport of choice for perverts like us, dear reader. I relish coveting, selecting and making mine an object of affection, whether a juicy ripe fruit or a hard ripe dildo. I just wish that holiday shoppers could let go of the tension and frustration and enjoy the experience. Holiday shopping gift guides seem designed in a vain attempt to get the whole shopping and gift giving process over as fast as possible, as if it were a chore. And as much as I love “wham, bam, thank you ma’am,” I’d rather be hearing, “wham, bam, please may I have another.”
I also wanted ideas for what to give my naughty friends, and wanted to have some fun at the same time. If you share my penchant for wicked fun, and dark, dry sense of humor, then get that lump of coal out of your sweetie’s stocking and get a bump in your bootie — and give gifts that rock.
Know any music lovers, or lovers who need music to grind to? Start with a copy of the music CD Copulatin’ Blues, a selection of the down and dirtiest blues songs you’ll ever find on one disc. Except maybe for the music of Wynonie Harris. And if you’re looking for seriously seductive music to have the long and luscious lovemaking sessions with, don’t go without CinÃ©matique.
Want to strip for your lover — or want your lover to strip for you? Start with a copy of the book Exhibitionism for the Shy> by Carol Queen, where anyone can learn to look sexy, talk hot and make moves with confidence. Next, get a copy of the CD Risque Rythym, a collection of fun retro burlesque stripping tunes. Make it a set with the ultimate gift for lusty lap dancers — the only stripping pole available for in-home installation, the Lil’ Mynx. That’s right, now you can grind, gyrate and wiggle like a pro up and down your own shiny pole, all in the comfort of your home. Comes with complete installation instructions and use/care suggestions, such as not to install it into drywall (honey, I shrunk the deposit) and how to keep it clean (oh, please keep it clean).
Know any orally fixated friends? I bet you do. Everything about cooking, eating and food in general always borders on the salacious and sexually suggestive, and knowing that certain foods have aphrodisiac qualities only, well, stirs the pot. The book Intercourses by Martha Hopkins is a large and beautifully photographed recipe book that contains more romantic dining suggestions, menus and recipes than you might be able to get through in a year. Pair it with an apron that says it all, such as “Will Cook For Sex,” “Not Too Butch To Cook,” and my favorite, “The Best Treats Are Under My Apron.” Wrap the apron in a box with Cooking up a Storm by Emma Holly, a well-written, extremely explicit novel about a woman who meets a chef who will do anything to make her his lover.
Speaking of treats down under, I just can’t resist suggesting a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Fellatio wrapped up with a jumbo candy cane. Or a copy of The Ultimate Guide to Cunnilingus with Shunga Chocolate Body Paint. Why stop there when you can make your goods the yummy present — just wrap it up right. Get a pair of panties that say “New Toy,” “Eat Organic,” or “Slippery When Wet.” Better yet, show off that sassy attitude with a pair of Good Vibrations panties.
One fun way to keep things hilarious and very, very interesting around the house is by getting a set of Good Vibrations’ Lusty Word Magnets. The attractive box holds hundreds of words carefully selected to make phrases and sentences that can leave creatively sexy suggestions or thrilling commands on your refrigerator (but not your hard drive, please). Then you can stock the fridge with food from Intercourses or ribbon-festooned treats that promise a night of squirmy fun, like whipped cream, frosting, chocolate syrup — or a bottle of inexpensive but fine champagne, such as Billecart Samon or Perrier Jouet.
Sometimes a simple book will do. Readers on your shopping list will want to peruse some of the best books the year had to offer — as a sex book reviewer I’ve enjoyed quite a few. My favorite erotic anthologies this year were, in no particular order: Naughty Stories From A to Z edited by Alison Tyler; I Love Bad Boys by Lori Foster, Janelle Denison and Donna Kauffman, three terrific stories about modern X-generation women who like bad boys — and bedding them; and the two best, though slightly dark, “Best ofs” were Best Fetish Erotica edited by Cara Bruce and Best Women’s Erotica 2003 edited by Marcy Sheiner.
Nonfiction books of 2002 really rocked the boat, sometimes politically, often personally. Thinkers on your list should own a copy of Harmful to Minors by Judith Levine about children, sex and censorship. Lighthearted but thoroughly informative and engaging was the sex advice book for everything that swims, crawls, slithers and flies, Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson. Hilarious and totally useful is Miss Vera’s Cross Dress for Success by Veronica Vera, for boys who want to be girls, and no one’s library would be complete without the real-deal answer to those survival handbooks, Sex Disasters (and How to Survive Them) by Charles Moser and Janet W. Hardy.
I love visual stimulation, and I’m always looking for some hot porn to pair with my latest lingerie purchase — and check out the cute holiday ruffle-butt panties at Victoria’s Secret right now. I plan on pairing those hot little panties with one of 2002’s best videos, which I had the pleasure to review all year long for my day job. I mean, someone’s got to do it, and my lucky horn-playing boy-toy is going to have to reap the rewards.
John Leslie makes the best porn. There, I said it. This year he released Voyeur 21, which tops my list. Amateur Angels #4 was sent from heaven and went right into regular rotation in my VCR. Shane’s Slumber Party #18 surprised me by being hot and juicy, the caveat being that I don’t usually go for the “college-girl” and frat-boy flavor of Shane’s videos (and this was the yummy, welcome exception). Independent production companies put out too many good films to list, but I’ll mention Urban Friction and Home Cookin’. Finally, Antonio Passolini directed possibly the best feature of the year, Mondo Porno. Though slow in places and full of in-jokes, the sex scenes smoke through and through, and they’re exceptional for having so many different types of scenes — each one unique and well done.
Enjoy the season, and don’t forget that if you squint your eyes and tilt your head sideways, everything looks all fuzzy and crooked. Try it when you’re stuck in the gift wrap line — it’ll make you feel silly, but then the line will be more fun. And if all else fails with finding gift ideas, I fall back on the truly twisted “motivational” gifts at www.despair.com.