From Sex Goddess To Freaked Out Mom- Part Three

Read part one and part two

Freaked Out Mom to the Best Sex Ever!

I had my partner take a look and he could see the fibers of scar tissue like a lip over my vaginal opening.  My vaginal lips were still purple and bruised and my vagina held open by some mystery.  I just assumed that this is how things should be after giving birth.  I looked for some books on what things should be like postpartum, but I found nothing on the subject.

I was doing Kegels galore, but my vaginal opening wouldn’t come back together, and I had a strange skin tag, and my clit had shrunk.  I was starting to worry that I would never have a normal sex life again.  Sex, like everything else in my life, was over as I had known it, now that I had a child.  There were many nights of crying as I had thoughts of a sexless life even though my profession was as a sexual wellness expert; perhaps my career was over too.  How could I help people heal when I had this horrible trauma?

In the whirlwind of taking care of a newborn baby I forgot that I had numerous resources at my fingertips.  I thought of my training as a Sexological Bodyworker and made the first brave step of having my partner Jon take a look at and do some massage on my pelvic floor.  He had seen the tear and watched as the midwife stitched me back together, now he was looking at the injury three months later.  It seemed healed, but in all the wrong ways.

He barely touched me and it hurt. During the session, just as we were getting the tissue warmed-up the baby started crying and I had to attend to him.  Again, I felt hopeless, but Jon suggested contacting Ellen.  We attended the Sexological Bodywork training with Ellen and she was close to us in Los Angeles.  I knew that Ellen had helped other women with similar issues, but in my mind I was already convinced that I would need surgery or some other awful reconstruction of my vagina.

I contacted Ellen anyway and was hopeful when she responded that she had, had a lot of success working with scar tissue from giving birth.  I got excited about working with her, but also a little afraid.  I felt really vulnerable, but I also knew that sometimes the best opportunities for learning had come out of wounds that I had experienced in my past.  This was another opportunity to learn something that I might be able to share with other women.

Before our first session I also discovered that I had a Diastases (my rectus abdominus was torn) beneath my belly button.  That day I felt as if the baby had taken everything out of me and none of my own needs were being met.  I arrived at Ellen’s feeling so worn down and really needing some pampering.  We started working together as I explained to her everything I was experiencing in my body.  I talked about the painful intercourse, the burning, the pinching and the weakness I felt, as well as the physical changes that had occurred.  I told her about the hormonal drops I was experiencing.  My estrogen and testosterone where very low, so low that my body hair had stopped growing and the hair on my head was falling out in fistfuls.

She started the work by following a line of scar tissue that went into my abdomen.  She went deep into a muscle called the Psoas.  I stayed very present with every feeling in my body.  I was determined to help my body heal.  Ellen worked on an area in my abdomen where the ovaries, intestines and the broad ligament come together.  It was a place where I had felt pain on an off for over two years, ever since my miscarriage.  I had even had an ultra sound to confirm that I didn’t have an enlarged ovary or some cancerous tumor.  Ellen found scar tissue there and worked to break it apart.   She also found that my Psoas was Anteriorly displaced and encouraged it to move into its proper position.

We worked together very well because I was able to describe every sensation that I felt in my body.  Ellen moved to my vulva and began to explore what was happening.  She found a large Keloidal Scar that went into my vagina and then branched both to the left and right.  I felt the same pinchy feeling that I had during intercourse and she began to work over the tissue with her fingers.  She massaged the scar tissue and suggested that slow friction actually can help it to change.  She also felt tissue that was about the size of a blueberry that had bunched up inside of me in various spots.  I felt these spots as very pinchy and burning.  I knew that the vaginal canal should feel smooth mostly and elastic, mine felt stringy and full of beads…

[to be continued]


Allison is a tall, queer, femme from Ottawa, Canada. A writer of erotic poetry and prose, she has performed in Radical Vulvas and is a member of the erotic live-lit troupe Honeyed Tongues. Her work has appeared in Vagina Dentata, Venus in Scorpio, the Bywords Quarterly Journal, and at GKE.

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