Forgetting

I was another one of those with “too much going on”, and unemployed for the second time in just one year. The situation felt unbearable. Having a neuro-cognitive DisAbility was a surefire way to remain broke, as none of the organizations — commercial companies or non-profits –trusted my capacity. In those five years of surviving, within a society created and maintained without even the hint that people with various abilities and appearances exist, I’d had eighteen jobs. None of them lasted over a sixth month period without necessary accommodations.

So I’d have to move. A relocation miles away, with family members not at all challenging their own conditioning from multiple oppressions, was not what I wanted. That night I didn’t want to think about that reality anymore, didn’t want to feel anything besides the elation of an orgasm.

s/He can help me to forget, I thought. The beautiful entity with an intoxicating smile, I’d met just months before, sat down two glasses of water on hir bedroom floor.

s/He didn’t wait to stand up, but pulled my head down for a fiery kiss. Fingers deep in my locs, s/He clutched them, and pulled me closer and closer. Lips embraced, tongues flickering and dancing, s/He planted hir teeth on my lips to end the kiss. Guess s/He wanted to make sure I understood things could get a bit rough, if I didn’t mind. And no I didn’t, not at all. I ached in anticipation.

s/He smiled mischievously, and moved to hir bed.

Come here. Lay on me.

I followed the commands. I decided that with hir I could willingly lose control, for the first time. I moved on top of hir, legs at hir waist and sat — awaiting the next order. There was no such decree to come though; hir hands were again reaching for my head. Grasping my locs, hir fingers tightened around a bunch and yanked me down. I sighed, knowing that the hair extended-my scalp throbbing.

Like my pussy with the wetness of my panties against their lips; throbbing.

Hir lips again on my mouth-hot and pleasing. I moaned in response to each flash of hir tongue. We remained that way for a while, clothed and grinding, our mouths searching one another’s flesh for treasures.

This has to come off, s/He garbled — excitement and passion stripping hir words of courtesy. The dress I wore was partially ripped by hir prompt removal. My jeans were thrown to the floor. I helped hir with the buttons of hir jeans, while s/He pulled hir shirt above hir head. I was more eager now; I could feel my heart pounding against my ribcage. I’d definitely been turned on and was willing to follow any and all directions s/He gave.

And s/He wasn’t a timid. The heat in our acts had my smooth red-boned chocolate complexion glistened with sweat quickly. s/He licked the curve of my waist, and I felt shy.

Separating hir wide mouth from my body, hir hands reached up and touched my breasts. Nipples erect and hard. The gentle caress made me moan, and I licked the side of my mouth with my tongue. The shyness was gone. I could still taste hir, and wanted to wait — to please this Papi-but the sight of hir creamy brown skin was just too inviting. Impatient, I grasped one of hir hands and moved it towards my open mouth, tongue waiting. Hir salty fingers were suckled, one by one, while s/He licked my nipples. Hir teeth bite the left one, and s/He looked up to see if I could endure the pain. s/He had no clue how much I could take.

We fucked hard that night. s/He wasn’t trying to let me off easy, and I’d asked for what s/He knew how to give. Swift and sure, deep and steady-just thinking of it all makes me quiver still.

How much can you take, s/He asked [though it sounded more like a statement], strapping on the dildo and watching me watch hir with thrill. I murmured, a lot, but s/He wasn’t satisfied.

How much?

Then s/He pulled my head closer to hir’s, and peered into my eyes. My breathing became fast; what would s/He see within those midnight brown globes with hints of gray? Could s/He know the truth? That my body was malleable; though shaped the way it was, my body changed under another’s touch. Becoming what the lover wanted it to be.

I can give up my power, I thought looking back at hir, and that’s okay. This is safe, this is safe.

s/He licked my lips then, and all thoughts surrendered to that space of pleasure. Hir lips felt like they themselves were burning, the fire within them consuming the flesh, and s/He ground them into mine. Teeth touched my sore and tender lips.

Turn around, s/He said and I did. s/He took the palm of hir hand and slid it over the top of my ass. I moved it closer to hir and s/He muttered, did I say you could do that? The sting that followed hir words brought tears to my eyes. But I liked it.

No, I replied – wanting more. s/He must’ve known, must’ve read it in my eyes, because hir hand, wide and sleek, stung the cheeks visible to only hir. Crying out, I bit my lip and forced quiet to come. I could take it, and s/He’d asked how much ¦ guess I had to show hir.

The tip of hir condom-wrapped cock touched my ass then. I could feel it, smooth and hard. I wanted it inside me, wanted to envelop my warmth around it and let hir know that I was moved. s/He was a mind reader that night, because this too s/He knew. Taking my cheeks into the palms of hir hands, s/He rubbed them together.

Damn, s/He whispered, gawdamn.

s/He gave each cheek a tender kiss and entered me then. Hadn’t expected my first time to be with such delicate force; the tip inserted slowly-Malembe, I whispered in my home tongue. s/He went deeper than I ever could’ve imagined.

Malembe ¦ slowly, I sighed, as s/He kept the depth. Umm, fuck me.

Penetrating my ass, s/He began expressing what I wanted-softly behind my ear. Did s/He know that when one spoke into my ear that way, my ass tickled? It tickled then, making the infusion of hir cock and my asshole feel like thunder. You know, if you could experience what thunder sounds like? Put your head to the ground-lightening had just hit. It would move you. The way s/He was moving me that night.

You like it, s/He said, Say it. Tell me how much you want it.

This was what I’d wanted, and needed in a lover. Someone to tell me explicitly what was sought after, and who wouldn’t mind that I could enhance many suggestions but not offer my own. My brain just doesn’t always work that way, especially under pressure. I’d wanted to dissolve into blissful pleasure for a second. s/He gave me more than seconds, and for that I was thankful.

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