Finding Kinky Friends in Not-So-Kink Friendly Areas

Since I live in the very definition of cut-off (Iowa), I’ve learned quite a few things about how to get around your surroundings and still find good education and good community “ especially when it comes to more progressive things like sexuality or BDSM. While bigger areas like New York or California have tons of public events, less-eventful states like Iowa or North Dakota just don’t have those same opportunities going on. Because of that, you have to be more creative when it comes to getting involved with a community.

One of the biggest things is how the internet has revolutionized communities and meeting people. In fact, I met my own boyfriend on the internet, and we went from there. We’re currently engaged to be married. Places on the internet include social networks where it’s easy to make a profile and meet people with similar interests.

Of course, some of the popular websites you could share with your mother include Facebook, MySpace, OKCupid, and Twitter. In fact, Facebook doesn’t even allow adult content, and it might get your account disabled, so those networks are mostly limited to conversations that you’d have with your sister. However, a lot of people meet on “safe networks like these and choose to make their relationship an adult one. At least, you know, when you go onto a website like Facebook, the people there aren’t there to see naked bodies “ they are genuinely there to make friends and have conversation. This makes it easy to find possible dating partners “ not as easy to find possible dating partners who share your love for spanking without getting to know people first.

However, an option has recently opened up for those who are looking for a network of that type. If you are a kinky person, Fetlife.com is basically a social network for the kinky. When you live in a place that doesn’t host many events, this is a god-send. You can list your sexual interests, talk about yourself, and post adult photographs as well as browse other’s photographs and participate in adult discussions. The website even allows video content (although at this time it requires a donation to view videos, so this isn’t just a random pornography site.)

Other options exist out there if you don’t consider yourself kinky but are still looking for sexual partners. I can’t make a recommendation since I haven’t participated in any, but there are now social networking sites dedicated just for dating or just for sexual hook-ups for a specific type. For example, you can join a site full of swingers who are looking for a fun night. You can join Ashley Madison which is a social website for people who are cheating outside their marriage. Of course, you could always go the CraigsList route, but I’d recommend against that one.

As with everything, the internet does have some downsides as well. Because of our ease of information and how private we can be, you’ll find that a lot of people on the internet tend to lie about some aspects of themselves. This can make it a bit hard to start off a relationship “ purely sexual or otherwise “ if you are starting off on a lie. Since everything is anonymous, people also tend to ask very inappropriate questions or give insults when they wouldn’t have the courage to do it to a person’s face.

Another thing to remember is that information is hard to take off the internet once it’s put on “ Google keeps a record of mostly everything. For this reason, be careful about what information you place about yourself on the internet, and for you own safety, never list your address, phone number, or other identifiable information. (Sneaky crooks will check out the photos you post for identifiable information, so always look over the backgrounds of your pictures!) As long as you realize the limitations, using the internet for finding your sexual community can be great.

Along with finding a community, the internet works amazingly for finding sexual information. While more sexually-open cities host events like “How to Enjoy Anal that are open to the public, respectful, and educational, we in the backwards-states like Iowa don’t get to enjoy that luxury. In fact, some sex stores actually post their videos of the demonstration online, or in this free-knowledge age, blogs like this one post information to help fill in the gaps of your knowledge. If you want to know what type of strap-on harness to pick, there’s an article for that. If you want to know how best to go about trying anal, there’s an article for that. When it comes to buying sex toys, if you search for sex toy reviews in Google, it will bring up tons of personal experiences with the product that will make it easier for you to know if the toy is for you.

Of course, if you prefer to meet your friends/partners in person, there are always some conferences and events that can be attended “ although they may take you quite a bit of a drive if you live away from larger cities. Many large and capital cities host conferences to help get kinky people together to play and for discussions and learning. Many times, the group will allow enough admissions to rent out a whole hotel room, and with it rented out, no one has to wear “normal clothing and everyone runs around in fetish wear all weekend. Big cities like Chicago, San Francisco, Minneapolis, and other big cities have these conferences available “ you just have to look around on the internet. However, the best way to find one of these conferences is to join Fetlife and ask around. People on Fetlife usually know what’s going on in your own area. However, the nearest conference to me is upwards of five hours of a drive, so be prepared for it to be more of a mini-vacation than an afternoon’s trip.

If you want something closer to home, BDSM groups and swinger groups can usually be found in most major capital cities and large cities. As you can imagine, these groups don’t usually hang a side out front of their lawn advertising their membership. No, this again is something you have to turn to the internet for. If you do a search with “bdsm group or “swinger group/club with your city’s name, you should come up with some results. BDSM groups are almost always online “ sometimes swinger clubs are only advertised on swinger social networking sites because of the nature of what they do. Most of these groups meet at least once a month for discussions or play. Remember to abide by all of the rules of the group if you’d like to be asked back.

Really, living in an area without as many sex-positive activities is a bummer. I can attest to that. It’s so sad seeing everyone’s Twitter feeds when a large conference is going on that I can’t attend. However, you can still make the best of it by using the internet and your own local resources. Plus, if you don’t have any local resources, you can always make your own! The boyfriend and I have managed okay, and using the internet, a lot of new things are possible, so enjoy your adventure.

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