Cybersex with Your Lover

As most of us know, the Internet can be one of the easiest ways to keep in touch with a lover when you’re apart. It’s also a great tool for maintaining an erotic connection — or for spicing up a sexual relationship, whether or not you’re in different zip codes. Whether your partner is across the world or in the next room, the Net offers many possibilities for trying new things and reimagining your sex life.

One of the main advantages of cybersex is that it gives you a chance to meet someone new, or role play as someone else. Whether or not you’re used to putting your fantasies in print, interacting online gives you a chance to engage in a shared scenario with a different texture than in-person role play. With developments in Internet technologies, cybersex has become even more appealing, practical and erotic.

With online sex, you can spin a fantasy where you and your lover switch genders, take on the roles of famous people or fictional characters (Napoleon and Josephine? Angel and Buffy?) and engage in far-flung adventures that are either impossible or unsafe in the real world. Believe me, if anyone in the world has ever fantasized about an activity, someone else has gotten turned on chatting about it online.

What tools are available to you for Internet sex? I’ve listed a few below.


Receiving or sending flirty, sexy e-mail can be truly exciting. Push your descriptions of imagery and detail into the explicit, and you can really drive your lover over the edge. Whether your e-mail is a quick, sublime note that says “I’ve been thinking about you all day and getting turned on” or a whole lengthy scenario, story or erotic suggestion, the thrill of seeing those sexual words in print can be something special. Through the workday, this can be a great way of stoking the sexual tension in preparation for a sizzling night, but keep in mind that companies can legally monitor employees’ e-mail messages — including web-based or “anonymous” e-mail — and some companies have terminated employees who send sexually suggestive communications from work computers. If you or your lover has personal wireless access through a handheld computer or text-messaging capability on a cell phone, you’re probably in the clear as long as it’s not paid for by either of your employers.

How do you compose a sexy e-mail? It can range from a gentle note that the kids will be at the babysitter’s tonight to a full-blown erotic fantasy. I even know people who have composed erotic novels and e-mailed them chapter by chapter to a lover. If you’ve never written down a sexy scenario, reading some of the erotica on this web site is a great way to get some ideas. If you don’t feel like you’re ready to write your own fantasy, no problem! Cruise a story site like this one, find an article (like this one) about something new you want to try — and e-mail your lover the link. People (like me) who write erotica do so to turn you on — and one of my favorite compliments is when a fan tells me “I shared your story with my lover.” You can also cut-and-paste the text from most web pages and e-mail it in the body of an e-mail — technically a copyright violation, but as long as you’re just using it to spice up your own sex life, I promise I won’t narc on you.

Lastly, with all the capabilities of e-mail nowadays, there’s no reason you have to limit your naughty communiqués to text. Most e-mail systems will let you send attachments. This gives you the chance to e-mail pictures and voice recordings — both of which I’ll talk about below.

Instant Messages and Text Messaging.

Services like Yahoo! Messenger, AIM (AOL Instant Messenger), Windows Messenger and ICQ allow you to send short real-time messages to anyone who downloads a small application to their computer. This service is usually free.

Again, keep in mind that playing at work could be hazardous to your job — installing new software on a work computer is a dead giveaway to snooping coworkers and bosses or computer techs who don’t share your appreciation of sexual experimentation, and you have no First Amendment protection if you’re using an employer’s computer. Wireless communications have developed to the point where it’s possible to receive instant messages (IMs) on a handheld computer like a Palm, Handspring, Sony Cliè, Pocket PC or Blackberry. Also, many mobile phone providers and pagers now allow you to receive text messages from e-mail or from another wireless user. Many of these systems also allow you to send pictures or other attachments, and most instant messaging systems like Yahoo! allow you to talk through your computer’s microphone and speaker — as if you were on the phone, but without long-distance charges.

Computer-based instant messaging is the meat and potatoes of cybersex. In fact, the term “cybersex” or “cyber” usually refers to explicit sexual scene-building involving two (or more!) people in an online chat room or instant-messaging system.

If you’re sending a saucy IM to your lover, you might want to make sure they’re not somewhere other people can see their computer screen. Depending on your computer’s settings, IM software may make a sound when messages arrive — and a loud chime followed by an all-caps message I’M NAKED AND COVERED IN CANOLA OIL THINKING OF YOU may not be the sort of thing your world-traveling lover wants to share with the other patrons at an Internet café in Barcelona.

Otherwise, once you know the coast is clear, launch right into the dirty talk. One of the things that often sour lovers on cybersex is the slow going — it isn’t always easy to learn to talk dirty, and typing dirty isn’t necessarily any different. Don’t be shy — let your lover know what turns you on, what you’re wearing, what sexy things you’re thinking about him or her when you see each other again. Remember, it’s just text — perhaps you can afford to be a little more daring than you’d have the guts to be in person!

Chat Rooms

The other staple of online sex is the chat room. For the most part, IMs have outstripped private chat rooms for interactions between two people who know each other. Yahoo! and other online services offer unfettered access to chat rooms to anyone who sets up a free account. Most services divide chat rooms into “Staff Created” and “User Created” sections. The Staff Created section usually has rooms with names like “Basketweaving” and “Stamp Collecting” with two or three users per room. The User Created section almost always teems with rooms like “HornyCheerleadrs,” “NoPantiez” and “M4MSMELLMYJOCKSTRAP” that are often packed so full you can’t get in. Online providers have a hard time admitting just what they’re providing, but that’s a whole other story. User-created rooms are often divided into general access and adult rooms, which offer at least some safeguard that people under 18 won’t access the naughty places. The themes people pick for online chat rooms are often enough to make me blush, so be prepared to see some pretty extreme behaviors represented.

If you’re chatting with a lover online, many services allow you to create a private chat room that no one else can enter. This allows you to have a little more room to type and sometimes makes it easier to “enable voice,” which allows you to use your computer’s microphone and speakers or headphones.

Another way you can interact with a lover is for the two of you to go into a public chatroom and chat there — with other people watching. If one or both of you has an exhibitionist streak, this can be very exciting, and the other chatroom denizens will often appreciate it. Remember that if another user (hopefully not your partner) is annoying you, making abusive statements, etc., you are usually offered a menu option to ignore that user, which means you won’t see their annoying messages any more!


While I’m a big fan of text, it can be lots of fun to add some sizzle to your e-mail, chat session or IM with a naughty picture. Digital cameras are easy to come by and relatively inexpensive nowadays (there are now cheap disposable digital cameras available), and many offer timers so you can take pictures of yourself — a helpful tool when both your hands are busy with, er, tools. Another great toy is the webcam, which is a small, usually low-quality digital camera that plugs directly into your computer and allows you to take snapshots or video clips, or send live-action video over the Internet. Most IM and chat room systems offer the capability to enable webcams. Some digital cameras will also double as webcams.

As anyone who has taken pleasure in vibrators can tell you, one of the best things about technology-based sex is that each new technological development gives you a chance to try a new sexual adventure — and wireless communication technologies are developing at a speed that can make your head spin. One of the most promising erotic techno-toys to come along in years is the miniaturized digital camera, which has allowed manufacturers to integrate both still and video imaging into cell phones and handheld computers. These camera-endowed communications devices are marketed as the perfect way to send a snapshot of your adorable puppy to your Mom, but the devices can also be turned to kinky purposes. Imagine being able to snap a saucy photo or brief-but-salacious video clip of yourself in your bedroom, hotel room, behind a hedge at a city park or in the restroom on a cross-country train — and sending that image to them from your cell phone! With camera phones, you can. As the technology develops, even more erotic wireless communications possibilities will be offered — and you can rest assured that like all technologies, they’ll promptly be used to enhance sexual adventure.

If you’re not the show-off type, you can still snag a salacious picture from the web — most websites will allow you to download any image by right-clicking your mouse in Windows or clicking and holding your mouse button down in Macintosh. Once you’ve found a picture that gets your motor going, you can then e-mail that pic to your partner. It’s very naughty (technically a copyright violation if the photo is copyrighted, which it probably is), but it has become common practice. Just be sure you don’t leave the photo somewhere it can be found by someone you don’t want to find it.


I mentioned microphones above, and they can definitely spice up a chat session. Coupled with a webcam, a microphone can offer real-time videoconferencing. For about $10-$20 at any large office supply or electronics store, you can get a hands-free computer headset, often designed for use with voice-recognition software. This will allow you to have your hands free for more interesting pursuits than holding a microphone in front of your face like a game show host. (Though, if that’s your fantasy…)

I hope this article has given you some ideas for putting the Internet revolution to good use — after all, it’s not all about venture capital and dot-com investing. Cybersex offers a great chance to connect with your lover in new ways — and whether or not you decide it’s for you, it’s worth exploring the options!


Good Vibrations

Good Vibrations is the premiere sex-positive, women-principled adult toy retailer in the US. An iconic brand and one of the world's first sex toy shops to focus specifically on women's pleasure and sexual education, Good Vibrations was founded by Joani Blank in 1977 to provide women with a safe, welcoming and non-judgmental place to shop for erotic toys. Good Vibrations has always included all people across the gender spectrum, and is a place where customers can come for education, high quality products, and information promoting sexual health, pleasure and empowerment. Customers can shop Good Vibrations' expertly curated product selection across any of its nine retail locations or on the website, where they can also find a wealth of information pertaining to sexual pleasure, exploration and education.

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