communication combat tactics aka finding your voice

i think communication is a four letter word in my world. despite the fact that i love words and holding meaningful intelligent conversations, i become befuddled when it comes to the time of communicating my needs in any sort of intimate interaction. i should probably define my idea of ‘intimate interaction’ which is any exchange verbally that i have with another person that i either a. care about or b. am sexually active with.
with all this said, this past weekend i had a moment of communicative clarity in an imtimate relationship i have with a good friend of mine. our interactions had been becoming increasingly more intense and more frequent in the past couple of weeks. i realized on sunday that i was developing very strong feelings for this person and that scared me terribly. i decided while my head was trying to a have a rationale moment that i needed to see this person less if it was ever going to work out in the future for us. i did not know how i was going to be able to get that out of mouth and into his ears, but i knew i needed to try. through a visit of a nasty panic attack and a high anxiety filled work shift, i called this person for a ride home and possibly a moment of communicating.
this is how it went:
i get into his car, after work.
hugs.
3 seconds later…
me: this is going to sound very (messed) up but i need to stop seeing so much becase i like you alot.
him: (silence)

WHAT???
i just verbally threwup into my hand and slingshot into his beautiful face. i wasn’t in that beautiful moment of communicative clarity anymore. No. i had entered the land of sloppy communicative combat aka verbal purging through art of ‘processing’.
so my little announcement drove us into a very long conversation about our needs and wants. we discussed old patterns and trying to change them. all in all it was a beautiful conversation, landing us both on the exact same page in an emotional standpoint. still, nonetheless, i was quite embarrassed with my ‘harsh’ delivery to such a beautiful person.
i did realize one thing. i had found my voice and by all means it was sloppy, raw and definately not perfect. but this was my voice and i was grateful that i a. had found it and b. had a chance to let it be heard. even though it did remind me of throwing up alittle bit…

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