If what’s happening isn’t arousing enough, extending its duration doesn’t help! The way to an orgasm is almost always “increase arousal.”
Author: Dr. Carol Queen
At the heart of our critique: concern about the notion that there’s such a thing as definitively normal sex (there isn’t), and the belief that shame around sex (masturbation, porn, desiring sexual variety, etc.) is often the reason people feel distressed about their sexual experience. Unhealthy behavior does exist, and compulsion can be one version of it. Some people do need help. But that help can come without embracing the notion of sex addiction, and it can be sex-positive.
People may be freaked out about masturbation, or so freaked out that they don’t do it, which may mean that they have not become orgasmic or learned enough about their own arousal responses to inform a partner about the best way to get them off.
When we’re talking about any subject that has cultural constraints around it — whether that’s sexual trauma or sexual desire or so very many other aspects of our lives — sometimes we need a place to be curious, to write into our own wondering and discovery, knowing we are going to be free of the sorts of reactions that even those who love us the most can give us. We are free to wonder, to explore and investigate, to have all the answers, to use code or metaphor, to be unsure, to be contradictory — in short, to be our full and complicated selves.