Ask the Doctors: Vibes to Use During Intercourse

I am 52 years old and have only experienced an orgasm a few times in my life – never with a partner. My boyfriend suggested I turn to you guys for help. I would like to try a vibrator or something so that he and I could have some kind of success. I don’t know what products have the most likelihood of helping me come, though.
– Vibe Virgin

First: kudos to your boyfriend for his suggestion, and his openness to your using a vibrator while with him. Not all guys are comfortable enough to try new things; in fact, not all partners care if their lover has an orgasm. That he is this comfortable suggests to me that you two will be able to easily adapt to and have lots of fun with a toy.

There is one specific type of vibrator — the only one of its kind so far — that’s been especially created for couples during intercourse. It’s called the We Vibe, and it’s a really ingenious design. It is slender enough to be worn during intercourse, and basically makes a hairpin turn from the clitoris, which is most sensitive to vibration, into the vagina, where it will add pressure and vibration to the G-spot — and also put the vibes right where he can feel them too. Many men have never played with a vibrator and really find that they love the sensation, so this toy might be as fun for him as for you.

 

Another way to get him directly involved is via a vibrating cock ring. Most of these are milder than other vibrators, and they are great for adding stimulation, but I should note that some women find them a little challenging to use because the way vibration often works best is with focused consistency — and almost by definition, a vibrator on a cock ring comes and goes because of the motions of intercourse. It may be a good idea to get really close, and then have your partner switch to very short thrusts that keep the vibe as close to the clit as possible.

Of course, you can still ensure his direct involvement, even if the vibrator isn’t riding on his penis, by giving him any vibe you choose to hold. If you want to use it during intercourse, though, you might prefer to be the one to hold it. Some positions may make it hard for him to spare a hand to do this; plus when you hold it, you can control the sensation in a very specific way.

Any vibrator you can hold between the two of you is a possible good pick (and that’s practically any vibrator made, although slim ones and mini vibes might be the easiest to use this way). That’s especially true if you really love the vibrations — where there’s a will there’s a way, you know, and many people use the Magic Wand, one of the largest (and strongest) vibes you can get, during intercourse. If I were choosing a vibe for this purpose I might look to one like the Gigi: it’s rechargeable, high-quality, fairly small but with a decent-sized head. (Some women find tiny vibes, and the small surface area they stimulate, makes the buzz feel too intense to be as pleasurable as more diffused vibrations.) A softer vibe might make more sense than a very hard one.

The makers of some of our favorite lines of sex furniture have taken on the challenge of adding no-hands vibe use to intercourse and other forms of sex play; check out the Axis Vibrating Positioning Pillow, which holds a Magic Wand , or the Love Bumper Iceber, which accepts a smaller vibe. With these pillows you don’t get the vibration during missionary position; mostly they are good additions to variants of doggy style and other from-behind positions.

If you can come into one of our stores I’d recommend that you do so, just so you can pick the vibrators up and clearly judge how large they are, imagine how they’d fit between you, see how the vibrations feel, etc. If you’re not in the Bay Area or Boston, there’s lots of information about each one on GV’s website. Our phone call center staff has a lot of experience talking people through their purchases, if you think that would be helpful.

One more thing — if you have not used a vibrator before, I’d encourage you to give it a spin outside a partner sex context too. This will give you a better idea about how you respond to vibration and where you like to have it positioned for the most pleasurable sensations (which will possibly have implications for what intercourse positions in which you’d like to use it).

Have fun adding toys to your repertoire!


We’re dedicated to getting you the information you need about sex, pleasure and your health. If you have any questions, please email our staff experts, Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Charlie Glickman, at education@goodvibes.com! For product-related questions, please email or call our customer service staff at customerservice@goodvibes.com.

Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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