Ask the Doctors: Sexual Fantasies, Threesomes & Anal Play

Hello!

I have a couple of questions regarding sexual activities in my relationship.

I am the female half of a monogamous straight couple.

I come from a very conservative background (I think I was born into the wrong family; some poor liberal family is wondering where their conservative child came from!), but I have been opening up quite a bit over the past several years.

While I know that I am monogamous (I have been offered the opportunity to participate in threesomes a few times and never felt compelled), so I am not looking to add another person to our relationship (though I do enjoy a good porn involving threesomes and such). I feel like I am wired to be this way. I absolutely respect others’ decisions to be in polyamorous relationships, of course. My question here is: How come it thrills me to read/watch threesomes, etc. but not have any inclination to be in one (even when presented with the option)?

While threesomes and such can get me going in terms of erotica, what I like in the bedroom/kitchen/living room/etc. is giving myself completely to my husband. I think that, for me, the idea of giving myself wholly to one other person gives me chills and never bores me.

Now, he is on the same page as me on all of this, so we’re good with this. :0) I must warn you that I tend to ramble and get off-topic (and I’ve never written an email like this before!). :0) I’m a shy one that is trying to be open.

So a question I have is: my husband would like to try strap-on sex. I have been very honest with him that I am not yet comfortable with this. I realize this is not going to sound very open-minded of me, but, I’ve had two boyfriends in the past come to terms with their homosexuality WHILE dating me…so…I am a little scared of anything in that department heading into my bedroom. NOW, I must mention that my husband has discussed this with me and has assured me he won’t be leaving me for anyone- of any gender. :0) Again, I apologize if this seems vanilla/close-minded/scared, but I am trying to be educated.

My husband is an amazing man who supports me in everything I do. He is being super amazing in this arena in that he never pressures or guilts me into anything. He is a-okay with my needing to take my time (he is sitting in the room as I type this email). Even if I decided never to participate in what he is asking for, he would be okay. All he asks of me is to ask myself why I am scared and to make the decision for myself, not because I am scared or because it seems taboo. He wants to, as he just said to me, “explore monogomous sex”.

[Completely off-topic, my husband is now lightly making fun of me and wants me to ask this: “Are threesomes considered gang bangs or do gang bangs need to have more than three participants?” He is soooo funny. 🙂 ]

I am a-okay with the exploration of sex. I just want to hear from other people, I suppose, that there are straight men out there who like strap-on sex from their wives. And that we’re not alone or weird for talking about it.

Sooooo…those are my questions. I hope they aren’t too stupid or silly.

I look forward to your answer- so does my husband!

Thank you so much for your honesty about your desires and concerns. A lot of people have similar questions but hesitate to ask them. And I don’t think that they’re silly at all.

So starting with your first one, to be honest, nobody really knows what prompts us to have the fantasies that we have because different people can have very similar fantasies for very different reasons. Anytime someone tells you why you have a particular desire, I suggest you take it with a grain of salt. Even if 99% of the people with that fantasy have the same reason for it, you might have a very different one. Michael Bader’s book Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies discusses this from a psychotherapy background. While I don’t think he always hits the mark, his overall premise is pretty solid.

It’s also worth noting that just because we have a fantasy doesn’t mean we have to (or even want to) act on it. For example, I might have a fantasy of quitting my job and traveling around the world. Some people might act on that, but I’m not really tempted to even if I like to watch tv shows about travel. I think that’s pretty similar to your enjoying threesome porn without wanting to actually be in one.

When it comes to our fantasies, it’s definitely not an either/or. For example, you might fantasize about a particular situation. Or you might enjoy talking about it during sex. Or you might enjoy role playing it. Or you might enjoy actually doing it. So you might find ways to play with that erotic energy in a way that still feels comfortable for you.
In fact, sometimes, the fuel for our fantasies comes from the strong boundaries we have around them. Even when we have very good reasons to not act upon our fantasies, boundaries can sometimes make fantasies extra hot. Given that you’re very clear that you’re monogamous, maybe you and your husband can find ways to play with the fantasies in a safe way. The Ultimate Guide to Sexual Fantasy offers some great tips on how to do that. And remember- just because you fantasize about it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.

As far as your husband’s desire to explore anal play goes, your concerns are quite common. And since you’ve had those experiences with former boyfriends, I’m not surprised that you’re feeling sensitive about it. But it’s important to remember that sexual orientation has nothing to do with what sorts of sexual stimulation feel good. Orientation is about WHO you want to have sex with, but the kinds of sex that feel good have more to do with WHERE your nerve endings are.

Lots of heterosexual men are discovering how good anal sex and prostate play can be. Here at GV, we know this because we get LOTS of questions about it and because our how-to DVDs on the topic (which I’ll mention below) are best-sellers. Simply put, if there weren’t any straight men who wanted to explore anal play, those DVDs wouldn’t fly out the door like they do.

The nerves in the anus and prostate are very sensitive and there are many ways to play with them. If using a strap-on doesn’t feel comfortable for you, what about using your fingers? There’s a lot that you can do without a strap-on and the DVD Anal Massage for Lovers, Part 2 has plenty of suggestions. It’s also worth noting that while strap-ons can have an element of gender play or role play for some people, it doesn’t have to work that way. For some people, it’s simply a hands-free way to use a dildo.

Another possibility would be to use a toy like the Aneros or our other prostate toys. Many of them are hands-free and work really well during intercourse. If you’re curious about any of these products, or getting started with anal play, the DVDs Bend Over Boyfriend and The Expert Guide to Anal Sex for Men have plenty of helpful info. They do focus on strap-ons, but the introductory info on getting started is all you need and you certainly don’t need to watch the segments that aren’t relevant for you. We also have lots of info on anal sex and prostate play on our website.

I’m glad that your husband is focused on supporting you to make the decisions that are right for you. I hope that the two of you discover new ways to build your connection and experience lots and lots of pleasure.

[BTW, a gangbang tends to be more than three people and generally has one person as the focus of everyone else’s attention. If things are a bit more fluid than that, it’s usually called an orgy.]


We’re dedicated to getting you the information you need about sex, pleasure and your health. If you have any questions, please email our staff experts, Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Charlie Glickman, at education@goodvibes.com! For product-related questions, please email or call our customer service staff at customerservice@goodvibes.com.

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Dr. Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He also writes, blogs, teaches workshops and university courses, presents at conferences, and trains sexuality educators. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and loves geeking out about sex, relationships, sex-positivity, love and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, and sexual practices and techniques of all varieties. Follow him online, on Twitter at @charlieglickman, or on Facebook.

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