Ask the Doctors: Info & Support for Masturbation

I am looking for DVDs to recommend to a man I know. He is in his 50s, repressed sexually and has no outlet for his sexual tension because his wife is a survivor of sexual abuse and not able to engage sexually with him in any way. He is both inhibited around self-stimulation, and says he needs visual stimulation besides the self-stimulation in order to be aroused and reach orgasm.

I was wondering if you could recommend anything which would be encouraging for him around masturbation, and one or two erotic films that might arouse him?
— Pro-Pleasure Friend

Joseph Kramer, PhD, is one of the most important guys in the small world of male masturbation info and support. His “New School of Erotic Touch” is here — and besides online videos, there are also online classes. One of the videos is called “Evolutionary Masturbation” (it depicts all men, I believe).

Also, GV carries a video of his called “The Best of Penis Massage;” it includes partner-sex images as well as solo, which your friend may find erotic as well as informational. FYI, though, I am not positive that all such images are heterosexual; some may depict same-sex contact, and while many men are happy to watch this, some men world prefer not to. Here it is, described: “The Best of Penis Massage is the result of twenty-five years of research on how to eroticize the whole body by stimulating the genitals. This stimulating collection offers the full spectrum of male genital massage: lovemaking with a partner, selfloving, erotic initiation, sex coaching, exploring altered states, and good old-fashioned pleasuring. Enjoy the playfulness and creativity of men and women liberated from sexual habit.”

JackinWorld is an important site where men talk about masturbation; it might be interesting and appropriate for him.

Additionally, he might value the work of Betty Dodson — she is blogging and posting material very actively these days and while much of her work has to do with women’s self-pleasure, she is also very relevant to men, and many men participate in discussions on the site, so like JackinWorld, it has a real community feel.

There’s a movie (and book it’s based on) that might be valuable for him and even his partner, if she is open to addressing some of the trauma of her past: Healing Sex: A Mind-Body Approach to Healing Sexual Trauma. And here’s the link to the book. Regardless of whether his partner is open to looking at this material, it’s possible it’d help him with perspective. Just a thought.

As far as recommending an erotic movie is concerned: This is a very tall order given that I don’t know about this gentleman’s taste or limitations re: what he finds erotic. I am tempted to say an explicit sex ed movie or quasi-doc dealing with couples would be better than an old-school porno; or possibly something designed for women. But he may feel fine abut watching more hard-core stuff; hard to say. Some links:

Sex ed

Couples (in particular, Bill and Desiree)

Woman’s POV here (I don’t mean lesbian; these will primarily be heterosexual) and here (especially “Life, Love, Lust”)

A bit wilder but still with some emotional grounding: “An Open Invitation” (this one follows a couple as they begin swinging. So it has group sex, but also more emotional resonance than is usual in porn).

Best of luck to him!


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Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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