Ask the Doctors: How do I Last Longer?

My partner is complaining because once inside her I come too quick (5-10 minute). I’m 44 yo and in pretty good health. What is normal? and how can i last longer when penetrating her? Also – you should know i have a stronger sex drive than her. We only have sex about 2-3x / month. I’d have it 2-4x / wk if she was interested. we’ve discussed and she’s not so I take care of myself by masturbating. I’m sure this effects us?

I’m glad that you separated out the question of “what is normal?” from “what can I do?” because those are two very different things.

Statistics are a bit tricky because different people use different definitions of “long enough.” But 5-10 minutes is pretty much within the range of common experiences. But if it’s causing difficulties, there are some steps you can take.

First, it’s worth mentioning that many women take longer to orgasm than many men, especially through intercourse. In fact, lots of women don’t orgasm during intercourse unless they’re receiving some sort of clitoral stimulation- a vibrator, a hand, whatever. So you might try adding a little buzz to your sex to see if that heats things up for her. Or you could take some more time to warm her up before switching to intercourse. Having said that, it’s not clear from your language whether she wants sex to last longer because she wants to have an orgasm during intercourse or because she simply likes how it feels (or both). So perhaps I’m making an unwarranted assumption.

You may find that different positions make you orgasm more quickly than others. That’s probably because you’ll get different sensations on your penis, so you might want to experiment a bit. For example, if you’re on your back, you might find that your orgasm takes longer. Or if you like rear-entry, you might find that it’s different when she’s at the edge of the bed and you’re standing on the floor, compared with being on your knees on the bed. If you’re looking for inspiration, check out Ride’Em Cowgirl or The Complete Guide To Sexual Positions.

Since you mention that you have a stronger interest in sex than she does, that might also be a contributing factor. Many men report that if they have sex more often, they tend to take longer to orgasm. I know that you said that you masturbate, which can help a lot. But how much time to you spend on it? If it’s a quickie every time, that may not be as helpful as if you take some time on it. Treat yourself well and make it a pleasurable experience, not just a “taking care of things as quickly as possible.” Use one of our great creams or the Tenga Flip Hole for an amazing experience.

One thing that I don’t suggest is using numbing creams. Since they temporarily desensitize the nerves in the penis, they can make some men last longer. But they can also cause vaginal irritation and  some men find that they can reduce sensation so much that they end up with a soft penis. And anyway, sex is supposed to be about feeling good, isn’t it?

If you’re interested in a different direction, check out the book The Multi-Orgasmic Man. It’s a great guide to a series of exercises, energetic techniques and visualizations that can help you experience amazing pleasure. One thing- it’s written from the Taoist perspective, which comes from China. Some people like that approach, while others find it a bit too new-agey. Tantra is another option if you’re curious about this angle. If you’re near one of our stores, we often have workshops on the topic, but we also have some excellent books on the topic, too.

And while I was writing this, I got an email from the wonderful Celeste & Danielle. They’re offering a free teleclass called Master Your Ejaculation in a few weeks, so there’s another great option.

I hope this helps. Have fun!

Dr. Charlie Glickman

Charlie Glickman is the Education Program Manager at Good Vibrations. He also writes, blogs, teaches workshops and university courses, presents at conferences, and trains sexuality educators. He’s certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists, and loves geeking out about sex, relationships, sex-positivity, love and shame, communities of erotic affiliation, and sexual practices and techniques of all varieties. Follow him online, on Twitter at @charlieglickman, or on Facebook.

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