Ask the Doctors: He Doesn’t Orgasm

I am looking for advice.  My boyfriend and I have pretty passionate sex.  Both of us get turned on pretty easily and he gets very hard.  However, he has trouble coming. His penis is large. When he is on top he is more likely to come, but often it doesn’t happen.  I have no trouble coming.  We can go for a long time, but both of us often get too tired before he comes and I especially get tired after I have come once or twice.  Neither of us have had this problem in the past. Do you have any suggestions?  We are getting pretty frustrated.

There are a lot of possible reasons why his orgasms might be elusive. It sounds like you’ve tried some different positions, which is often a good place to start. Different angles can bring different parts of the penis into more contact with your vagina, which can make orgasm happen more quickly or more slowly. Since you’ve already experimented with that, there might be more to try in that respect, but if you’re interested, The Little Bit Naughty Book of Wild Sex Positions might offer some ideas.

Are his orgasms as challenging from other types of sex? What happens during oral sex? Or masturbation (whether it’s his hands doing the work or yours)? If this happens across the board, that might indicate that he has something going on. Some common causes of delayed ejaculation include:

  • Psychological concerns such as depression, stress, fatigue, or anxiety
  • Physical issues like injuries to the pelvic nerves that trigger orgasm, diabetes, and prostate infections (prostate infections don’t always cause pain or other symptoms)
  • Medications and drugs like marijuana, alcohol, antidepressants, and some blood pressure medications

I’m not a medical doctor and this isn’t a substitute for medical advice. But he might benefit from getting checked out.

It’s also worth noting that relationship concerns can also set off orgasm difficulties. Stress, miscommunications, withholding secrets, and embarrassment can also lead to them. Plus, it’s possible that the more that the two of you get frustrated with the situation, the more the difficulties can increase. Has this happened from the beginning of your sexual relationship, or is this something more recent? If it’s more recent in origin, can you or he identify any shifts or changes that happened around the same time?

So my first suggestion is to stop trying to force it. If he’s able to orgasm from oral sex, hand jobs or masturbation, you could always have intercourse for a while and then switch things up after your orgasms. Although we hear this more often as advice for women who don’t orgasm from intercourse, there are plenty of men that it applies to also. As long as you’re both enjoying whatever happens, go for it!

On the other hand, if he has difficulty with orgasms during other types of sex, that would be a good time for him to consider seeing a doctor, just to make sure that there aren’t any medical issues that are coming into play.

Another option is for the two of you to talk about any lingering concerns like disagreements that never got worked out. He or the two of you might also benefit from working with a therapist- it’s a great way to explore things like this with someone who can (hopefully) ask the right questions to make it easier for you to find your answers.

Lastly, sometimes, orgasm during intercourse doesn’t work with some partners. Sometimes, it’s simply the ways that two bodies fit together and it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you or your relationship. It’s just something to work around. There are plenty of other ways for the two of you to have fun- a lot of guys love cock rings, vibrators (especially on the head of the penis), prostate toys, playing with fantasies, and more. Perhaps if you explore some of these possibilities, you’ll find that it takes the pressure off and makes intercourse work better for both of you.


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