Ask the Doctors: He Doesn’t Cum

My guy has a problem cumming. He doesn’t always cum when we have sex. He might not cum for a few days. But he has gone to the doctor for that and he said all the doctor says is that it’s ok. But I would like to know how I can make him cum more often. I know there is a spot but he won’t use any toys on himself for anal purposes. He won’t tell me what is the spot or anything. I have tried a few different tricks, but I am not that experienced–only 2 men in my lifetime. So can you help with this matter??
–Chasing His Cum

Your letter reminds us that it isn’t always just women who can have a problem with orgasm. That’s valuable to remember, since so much of the discussion about sexual dysfunction assumes that men are always rarin’ to go (unless they “can’t get it up”), while women are the ones with the orgasm issues. In fact, anyone of any gender can have different patterns for getting aroused, staying aroused, and coming.

It’s also worth remembering that a man’s orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing — for most guys, probably, they happen simultaneously, but that’s not true of all men. Some men rarely ejaculate, but still have orgasms; others do neither. You might want to ask your guy if he has an orgasm-like or climax-type feeling during sex, or not. Orgasm happens in the brain (though it certainly includes genital sensation too), and ejaculation is more of a genital reflex. If you have to pick one or the other, unless you’re trying to get pregnant, you might want to try for the orgasm! A book that details the orgasm-vs.-ejaculation difference — and gives you plenty of information about erotic play as well — is The Multi-Orgasmic Man.

Of course, it is certainly possible that your gentleman is having neither experience. You don’t say how old he is; as men age, their rate of orgasm and/or ejaculation can go down, and it may be this is an effect of the changes he experiences over the lifespan. If he is younger, he may be one of those guys who does not always cum; as the doctor said, there isn’t necessarily anything physically wrong that would cause this. (I’m glad he went, though — it’s always good to check.)

The spot you mention is the prostate, and it indeed has orgasm-inspiring effects on some guys. It is equally true that there are men who will NOT go there (since you reach the prostate most easily through the anus), sometimes under the mistaken assumption that if they like anal stimulation, it makes them gay (only if he wants another man to stimulate him is that the case), sometimes because they believe anal penetration will hurt (it never has to hurt if it is being done right, with lube, communication, and relaxation). Sometimes a guy will have a past history of sexual abuse and be unwilling to experience certain kinds of sex for that reason — but the other two reasons are far more common.

If a man is simply unwilling to try this, there is no way you can make him change his mind, but you can assure him that lots of perfectly heterosexual men love prostate stimulation.  There’s even a toy designed by doctors to do it. Why would doctors be designing an anal toy? Well, doctors have anuses too, of course — plus they know that ejaculation and orgasm are healthy, and as a man ages, if he does not ejaculate enough, it can contribute to prostate problems. Do you suppose that will help him get adventuresome? He can try using the toy, called the Aneros, alone if he is nervous at first. Just make sure he also has lube on hand.

In case he does get curious about it, here’s a guide to prostate play. He can do this solo, or you and he can play together. You can also give him prostate stimulation without touching his anus. Although it isn’t as strong a sensation, if you press or firmly stroke the area between the anus and the base of his penis, you will put pressure on the prostate area from outside. Try that during a handjob; have him guide you in how hard to press or stroke, and tell you if he can feel anything different and pleasurable when you do it.

Other things to try: Do all the lovely things you like, then when he’s ready to cum, encourage him to stroke himself to orgasm. One reason many men don’t come during partner sex is that they learned to come via masturbation, and partner sex is just too different for them. There’s nothing wrong with doing it this way — many women do it too, if they are having a hard time coming: they’ll stroke their clit during intercourse. This is comparable, and many women find it really sexy to watch their men stroke off.

Some men come more readily with vibration. An ingenious toy called the We Vibe allows you to add penile as well as clitoral vibration during intercourse — the vibrator fits inside your vagina, but it’s so slim and soft that it still allows partner sex. Or you can get a small vibrator and add it to oral sex or a hand job. (There are anal vibrators, too, if he does get over his unwillingness to try that. Remember to only use vibes with a base or flange in the anus. Otherwise, a straight-sided toy can slip inside and be hard or impossible to retrieve without a trip to the emergency room.)

If a guy hasn’t ejaculated in a while (specific amount of time varies — might be three days, might be a week and a half), waiting might work. This includes no masturbating, too, of course.

Finally, any stimulation he likes might help him to get over the fence so he can come. Some men love nipple play — you can stimulate them with or without a toy. Others like to watch erotic movies or listen to you tell an erotic story. If he isn’t coming because he’s too tense, sometimes he can try breathing exercises, or you can encourage him to fantasize and think about anything that will get him off.

Men who don’t come with their partners may be very frustrated about it, or it may not matter much to them if they’re enjoying everything, having a great time getting their partner off, or they routinely masturbate and that is enough to satisfy them. It’s possible this means more to you than it does to him. You can use all the toys and books I highlighted in the text — and more too — to explore expanding your own sexual skills, and you can ask him if there’s more he’s like to experience. But in the end, if he is content with the situation (or won’t take a risk and try something new, or tell you what does work for him), he may just be who he is, and your best choice may be to accept him that way.


We’re dedicated to getting you the information you need about sex, pleasure and your health. If you have any questions, please email our staff experts, Dr. Carol Queen and Dr. Charlie Glickman, at education@goodvibes.com! For product-related questions, please email or call our customer service staff at customerservice@goodvibes.com.

Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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