10 Merit Badge Tips for Pleasing Her

“I want to please my girlfriend/wife/lover/partner, but I’m not sure how to make her orgasm. Help!”

It’s a pretty common question that plagues many. The female orgasm can be an elusive creature, after all!

So who better to look to for guidance than Mikaya Heart, the author of The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women, to see what to suggest to people when they ask- how can I be a better lover to the woman in my life?

Mikaya has written the following 10 tips to guide you- be sure to get a merit badge in each! 

1. Don’t have intercourse or orgasm as a goal! Utilize the whole body. Many people have intercourse as their goal. Intercourse may be great fun but if it’s the focal point of making love, then that’s pretty sad, because you are missing out on many other fun activities, and probably on some level you are always going to be so focussed on the “achievement” of intercourse, you’re not really going to be present for other activities.

The same thing is true of orgasm: if your lover’s orgasm is your goal, then you are putting pressure on her to have one, and that alone may be enough to wreck the possibility. We need to learn not to be goal oriented in our sexual play. Sexual exchanges need to be about a general playfulness and they need to incorporate a sense of humor and light heartedness. They are best if they don’t have an objective that delineates a beginning and an end. Many women can have great sex without an experience that they label orgasm, and they would often prefer that to dealing with the expectation that they should have an orgasm.

2. Don’t be in a hurry. There is nowhere you have to go with your sexual desire; ideally you want to be able to pick up and leave off in your sexual interchanges when it is perfectly natural to do so. They don’t have to end with orgasm or intercourse. You can have many sexual interchanges over a period of days that lead up to intercourse and orgasm. It is much better to have the attitude that there is all the time in the world, and you’re going to be able to pick up where you left off, than it is to feel like “it hasn’t worked” if you haven’t had an orgasm or gone as far as intercourse.

3. Use your hands in particular and every part of your body in general. Hands are very versatile instruments, and it is often easier to reach those spots that really give a woman pleasure with your hands than with a penis or penetrative toy. Learn how to use your hands to maximum effect. Use them gently and softly and use them hard and deep. Explore her body, all the nooks and crannies of her body with your hands. Touch her all over from her face to the tips of her toes. Reach inside her with your fingers. Learn how to play her like a musical instrument. Develop the art of talking to each other as you are being sexual. Whether you are whispering in her ear or she’s calling out in passion, the voice can be extremely sexy.

4. Follow her instructions. She may have difficulty telling you in words, but in any case you should always be watching her, with your eyes as well as with all your senses. Cultivate sensitivity and responsiveness. Listen to the sounds she makes and adjust your touch accordingly. If you’re not sure what a particular sound means then ask her, does that sound mean more or less? Watch her touching herself, how fast does she move, how does her pace change, where and how does she place her fingers? Learn to read her body, and respond to the cues it gives you.

5. Use lube. Almost every sexual exchange can be improved by the use of artificial lubrication and there are many excellent products on the market. While it may be an indication that she is aroused when she gets very wet, it is a fact that some women never produce much natural lubrication. Some women ejaculate when they are aroused, and the quantity of ejaculation, which is watery and therefore not slippery, may wash away her natural lubrication. Besides that, prolonged bouts of penetration may cause enough friction to leave a woman dry, and the application of artificial lubrication can make the difference between a pleasurable experience and a painful one, or one that leaves her with a urinary infection.

6. Go down on her. Learn to use your mouth and tongue as a sensual organ, not just another instrument to bring her to orgasm. Explore her whole body with your mouth just as you would explore her with your hands, and take your time doing it.

7. Touch with awareness. Cultivate sensitivity in your touch. This is a very hard thing to teach, but the bottom line is it is about allowing your self to feel with your skin, through your skin. It is about allowing yourself to be fully present, shutting off the voices in your mind, the expectations and the assumptions, and simply being able to be to experience fully what the different kinds of touch feel like.

If we allow it, our bodies can become super sensitive when we are feeling sexual, and that can be extraordinary. A light touch that we normally wouldn’t even notice, on a part of the body that is not normally considered sexual, can be intensely arousing. We are usually busy trying to make sure we are doing the right thing, and not hurting our lover, and not doing anything we are not meant to, and not farting or belching or any of those other things; we are so worried that we won’t be able to do it “right” (for example, men may well worry about not getting an erection), that we cease to be present, and experience what is happening in the moment. We get stuck in our heads, in our thoughts. Then we cannot remain aware of the nuances of touch.

8. Don’t set yourself up as being the one who is always in charge of your sexual play. Make it clear to her that you want it to be an experience that you both participate in equally; allow and encourage her to take the lead. Let her set the speed and rhythm of your movement.

9. Check in with her after you’ve made love. Don’t assume that she has had an orgasm just because she made a lot of appreciative sounds and movements, and don’t assume she is satisfied. Ask her questions that are easy for her to answer yet may lead into a two-way discussion about sex, like “Do you normally just have one kind of orgasm or do you have a variety of kinds? What is your favorite way to come? What triggers you to come: do you have a very reliable method? Do you normally use a vibrator when you’re alone? Do you like playing with toys, if so what kinds? Would you have preferred if we had gone on longer, or was that enough for you? Do you ever have multiple orgasms and if so how do you come by them? Do you enjoy penetration? Do
you like it hard and fast or slow and gentle? Do you normally have orgasms during intercourse? Do you need direct clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm? Do you expect to have an orgasm (or several) every time you make love? Do you mind if you don’t?” LISTEN to her answers!

10. Remember: women vary. Don’t get offended if she doesn’t always want to do it the way you’ve always done it, be willing to experiment. Some women don’t come at all, some only come with a vibrator, some enjoy penetration, others don’t. Some women ejaculate, others don’t. Some get wet and creamy, some don’t. Some always want it hard and fast, others never do. Some
women don’t like direct touch on their clitoris, for others it is an essential aspect of sexual play.

Find out what she likes. When she tells you about something she enjoys that you haven’t thought of doing, or something she would like to do differently, it is not a negative reflection on you, it is an invitation, an opportunity. Talking about sex, telling each other what you like and don’t like, is part of the fun!

Did you find that helpful? Want to learn more? Mikaya Heart will be teaching a “How to Become Orgasmic for a Lifetime” workshop for women at the Good Vibrations store in Berkeley September 7th from 6:30-7:30. Check out the event listing for more details!

Kitty Stryker

Kitty Stryker is a geeky sex worker, Burner, rabid writer and feminist activist with one high-heeled boot in San Francisco, California and one in London, England. In London, Stryker worked with the TLC Trust, an online organization connecting people with disabilities with sex workers experienced with emotional or physical limitations. She is the founder of the award-winning Ladies High Tea and Pornography Society, and was nominated by the Erotic Awards as Sex Worker of the Year for her charity and activism work. Now back in the States, Stryker has been presenting Safe/Ward, a workshop on combating entitlement culture within alternative sexual communities, along with being the PR rep for the Bay Area Sex Workers Outreach Project promoting sex worker rights. She has written for Huffington Post, Filament, and Tits and Sass, built a social media strategy for Cleis Press, and consults with sex workers about their online presence. In her copious free time, she enjoys switching things up with her two hot lovers. Read more from Stryker on her personal blog, Purrversatility.

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