Meet Our Teachers–Rachel Buddeberg

We’re happy to welcome Rachel Buddeberg next week (on Thursday, September 18) for her workshop on Self-Empowerment for Singles; she has been interviewed in the Psychology Today column Living Single, whose author Bella DeCarlo PhD is a noted explorer of issues surrounding the single life. I asked Rachel, whom DeCarlo calls a “single-minded change agent,” a few questions about living a good and satisfying uncoupled life. –Carol Queen

 

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CQ: In your Psychology Today interview with Bella DePaulo you mention your own experience of realizing you were actually happier when you were single (compared to your feelings while in a relationship). Would you say a bit more about that, maybe not just about your own experience, but about the things you hear from other single people?

RB: My views on this have become more refined as I now think that it is more important to look beyond the single-couple dichotomy. Many of us can thrive more when we are in relationships with other people. However, how these relationships look like is important. I advocate that we design our own relationships rather than follow the cultural standard of a coupled relationship. For example, I have friends with whom I have built more intimate relationships as is usual for friendships – across the spectrum of intimacy. To me, it is more important that the relationships reflect what helps us live happier than that they fall into either of the single or coupled category.
CQ: In your view, why does contemporary culture, which allows for so many relationship styles, continue to emphasize coupling up? What is it that couplehood promises us, culturally, and how do you think it can fail to deliver?

RB: The type of relationship styles allowed by culture seems to be rather limited – and most of these relationships are compared to the gold standard of the couple. Couplehood is presented – in movies for example – as the goal of adulthood. And even if we have long-term, deep friendships, we are not quite considered fully matured. The other aspect of this are the promises that come with coupling. The One is presented as the mate who will meet all of our needs all the time. Clearly that is impossible for any one human being, though even when we scale this down to something more realistic, we might limit ourselves. It seems this myth is so strong, especially in the US, that people who have tried out marriage, the holy grail of couplehood, and didn’t like it try it again. Instead of changing the way we relate, we think we just have to change the spouse… Maybe if we could think beyond the couple, many marriages could continue to function because spouses could meet some of their needs with other people.
CQ: Can you say a bit about sexuality and singlehood? People often seek a “special someone” hoping they’ll have a lover for life and feeling that all of the alternatives will fail to satisfy them sexually, not just emotionally. What do you say about that?

RB: Being sexual and single can be challenging, possibly the most challenging aspect of being single. Again, though, it’s important to separate myth from reality. First, just because we are coupled does not guarantee a satisfying sex life (as many a coupled person will attest to). Not to mention that a couple might not be together for life… Then, there are alternatives – from celibacy to solo sex via toys to relationships designed around sexual needs – that might work as well or even better for many people. As I will go into in more detail in the workshop, it is important to see how we limit ourselves when we think there is only one way to meet a need.
CQ: If someone wants to know more about you, do you have a website or other resources for them?

RB: Yes! They can check out my website at www.yourlifeisagarden.com
Self-Empowerment, Especially for Singles

Thursday, September 18, 6:30-8:30pm

$20 in advance, $25 at the door

Tickets: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/845226

Join empowerment coach Rachel Buddeberg to explore the impact of two newly researched stereotypes, singlism and couplemania––cultural messages suggesting we’ll be happier, healthier, and wealthier if only we could find that “special someone.” It’s not necessarily so! Putting all of our energy into one relationship can lead to overly high expectations, downplaying the importance of our other relationships, and leave us feeling like second-class citizens if we remain single. This workshop is designed to empower people, especially singles, to look beyond these messages and learn to enrich our lives. We will practice powerful tools to counteract these messages. You will leave this workshop with renewed confidence to choose to be single for as short or long as you want to be, the ability to diffuse cultural messages that cause distress, and start to heal the impact they’ve had on your life!

Dr. Carol Queen

Carol Queen has a PhD in sexology; she calls herself a "cultural sexologist" because her earlier academic degree is in sociology: while she addresses individual issues and couple's sexual concerns, her overarching interest is in cultural issues (gender, shame, access to education, etc.). Queen has worked at Good Vibrations, the woman-founded sexuality company based in San Francisco that turned 35 years old in 2012, since 1990. Her current position is Staff Sexologist and Good Vibrations Historian; her roles include representing the company to the press and the public; overseeing educational programming for staff and others; and scripting/hosting a line of sex education videos, the Pleasure-Ed series, for GV’s sister company Good Releasing. She also curates the company's Antique Vibrator Museum. She is also the founding director of the Center for Sex & Culture, a non-profit sex ed and arts center San Francisco, and is a frequent lecturer at colleges, universities, and community-based organizations. Her dozen books include a Lambda Literary Award winner, PoMoSexuals, and Real Live Nude Girl: Chronicles of Sex-Positive Culture, which are used as texts in some college classes. She blogs at the Good Vibes Magazine and at SFGate's City Brights bloggers page and contributes to the Boston Dig. For more about her at carolqueen.com.

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1 Response

  1. luv2sex.info says:

    as a single myself, I should think hard about how to stay single without feeling been deprived of a coupled relationship !