An open response…

This post was originally published on Stoya’s tumblr. It is reposted here with permission.

 … to a number of private questions asking variations of “Is there something wrong with me if I like/don’t like ____?”

At least in the United States, you have the right to be wanton, sexually provocative, and promiscuous. You have the right to wear as little clothing as legally allowed by the government where you live. Actually, I guess you can wear less clothing than legally allowed as you don’t mind dealing with the hassle of being arrested and having a record. You can have sex with men, women, people who identify as in-between or as neither. You can find consenting and enthusiastic partners for the most depraved erotic acts your brain or someone else’s can imagine. You might not have the legal right to engage in these acts according to the state or county you live in, but if everyone involved is a rational, consenting adult and you keep your metaphorical blinds closed you’ll probably be ok. I am not a lawyer and “you’ll probably be ok” does not in any way mean that I have any idea what I’m talking about when it comes to giving blowjobs in Virginia. You have the right to communicate your desires in what is ideally a respectful manner and hope that the person(s) you’re attracted to share them.

Conversely, you don’t have to exercise any of those rights.

Neither the sex industry nor recreational promiscuity are for everyone. You can be friends with known pornographers and prostitutes without being one yourself. Being accepting of whatever safe, sane, and consensual acts people want to engage in with their bodies is awesome. You shouldn’t feel like you have to engage in the same acts as your friends or what you see on the internet to prove your solidarity or something.

Asexuality is definitely a thing. I don’t personally understand it, but if it makes you happy go for it. Or don’t go for it. Go for not-it? I’m going to remove my foot from my mouth now.

Liking sex doesn’t mean you have to be up for it 24/7, do it with thirty-five different people in a week, or walk around with the majority of your ass hanging out whenever the weather permits. I’ve had sex with plenty of men and some women who don’t understand or care about my love for fancy lingerie and who find pajamas, jeans, and sneakers hotter than french lace and high heels.

If you only want sex every three months and you love doing it with the lights off missionary style, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. There are potential partners who want the same, or who like it once every three months with the lights off doggy style and will be willing to take turns with your favored position and theirs.

If you fantasize about banging raccoons I’d be willing to bet there’s someone out there who wants to dress up like a raccoon and make whatever noises see plausible while getting banged. I recommend not banging actual raccoons because they are animals and can’t consent. Also: claws and potential rabies. (Cue the one person who believes in the rights of raccoons to consent to and enjoy sex with humans.)

If you want it filthy, rough, and hard three times a day for half the month and maybe once or twice a week while gazing into each others’ eyes for the other half, you can find one or more people willing to accommodate. I may be talking about myself here.

You’re highly unlikely to find any of these things until you figure out what you want and get comfortable with asking for it.

tl:dr There’s nothing wrong with you if you aren’t that into sex. Communication is super important. For every “weird” thing you’re into, there’s someone else out there that’s into it too.

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